New Chapter and a New Start

This holiday weekend has been more than I expected. What I wanted was a nice Christmas with my babies and my parents. BUT what I got was a Christmas with my parents, my babies and my ex husband. It takes a lot of paitents, and understand that he is their daddy and needs to be with them too. A LOT!!!! I went into Christmas wishing that it was my house, and my own families Christmas. But life has given me a different hand, one that I didn't expect. And, this weekend has given me a chance to realize that my life WILL go on. And that it has.

My life will go on! My kids will be okay! Life isn't what I thought, isn't what I planned, but IT is what it needs to be.
My life IS living in my parents house, with my three kids, and going to school to finish my degree. My parents have given me something my ex never did, a chance.
My kids love me for me, and one day I WILL make them proud.
My ex is just starting to see what he walked away from.
BUT as the saying goes: If he is dumb enough to walk away, be SMART enough to let him go. And THIS is what I am working on, my next chapter!!!!!
And this chapter is going to be MORE than I could ever wish for!! GIVE me what I never expected!!!

Stupid Boy

I just wanted to make known something that you may not have known. I call him stupid boy, not because a real man wouldn't have done what he has done. But because of this song by Keith Urban:


Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holdin' back the wind

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it, push it around?
I guess to build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down

Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't

You stupid boy, oh, you always had to be right
But now you lost the only thing
That ever made you feel alive
Yeah, yeah

Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your hands, yeah
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans, yes, you did
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't

You stupid boy
Oh, I'm the same old, same old stupid boy

It took a while for her to figure out
She could run but when she did
She was long gone, long gone

This very song says everything that our relationship was. And when I say stupid boy, this very song says everything I never could.

It's taking me a while to figure out I can run, but I will get there. Cause he's nothing more than a stupid boy.

Slow and Steady

The river cuts through the rock, not because of its power, but because of it's persistence.  I know I don't hold the power to make everything right again. But I do hold the persistence to make things right for me and my babies. We will survive this, we will be better for it, and we will come out the other side stronger than ever before.

I just have to believe!!!

OR so I thought....

JUST when I thought I was making progress!!!... along comes Christmas. EVERY single thing reminds me of how I have failed. How MY marriage didn't work, because I couldn't make it work! EVERY ornament, every decoration. EVERYTHING. This is my favorite time of the year. It makes me smile, makes me feel good and all around makes life worth-while. BUT knowing I failed at my marriage. That sucks. I know it wasn't my fault. I didn't walk away, he did. BUT this is my first Christmas in nine years not being a family. I have a new family, an even BETTER family, I know. But, it's not the family I had in my forever plan. This boy, has such a hold on me! Just let me go! Let me be. Let me discover my own, and better life without you!

Why does this have to be so freaking hard?! Why can't I just turn my back like him and walk away?

Making History

You know, I don't think I have an enemy out there. I'm sure someone doesn't like me. But I don't know about it. So, if everyone likes me, that means I haven't stood up for myself. I haven't spoken my mind. I have always behaved. And as the saying goes, Well behaved Women, Rarely Make History.  Well, honey. I'm about to make some history. I'm tired of dealing with people just because I don't want to hurt their feelings, meanwhile, I'm dying inside. Move over, cause Kimmie is coming alive! I'm going to be who I am. Like what I like. No excuses accepted! And if said person doesn't like it. Tough shit. I am who I am. I was made in God's image, and God loves me. THAT is all I need.  Much love to all who put up with me. I am a handful and do crazy things, but your love is what pulls me through the stupidity!

Time

If you are not an impatient person, you wouldn't understand my ENTIRE life. But, the time has come for me to give up my selfish wishes and things I think I want/need. And accept what I have and be grateful. I can only handle so much at once. So, all those thing I want, can wait. Easier said than done. But a can do. In time crazy Kimmie, in sweet time.

The path to self discovery is quiet awkward.  I thought, hey, I'm Kimmie and I can do this. Well, granted I'm Kimmie, but doing this is H A R D. Being a student again is tough, being a mommy is harder than I could ever imagine. And knowing that at any minute I could let someone down, down right impossible to comprehend.

I do my day to day, pretending like I have it together. And I just pray that no one figures out what a mess I really am. Who am I to deserve ANY of this. Parents that took me and my kids in, no questions asked. Going to school to be what Kimmie wants to be. Kids that love me, flaws and all. I'm not worthy of this. Not even in the slightest. Yet.... they still smile at me. They still tell me they love me. And you, my friends, remind me of how much I am worthy.

It's easy for me to get stuck on the bad that has happened. BUT, it turns out, this has been the best experience of my life. And my worth, it's out there somewhere, I'll find it. But for now. Knowing that you, whoever is reading this, loves me. That is all I need.

Who Says

I've been doing so good. I've got my wonderful new life. Parents who have given everything for me. Beautiful children who are my reason to get up in the morning, and then...


Today. I was unpacking MY Christmas stuff. Of all things. I lost it. I cried in my Daddy's arms. I'm crying now. I didn't ask for this. I don't deserve this. I had a life, a life I loved. Where did it go? And why did it leave?

Why, why do I have to go through this? What, what is this teaching me? I am so confused, I just don't even know what to think.

I'm heart broken. My life is upside down. I'm a square trying to fit in a circle peg.

I just want to love and be loved in return, is that so much to ask?????

Ya Know

So, turns out, I'm not perfect. But you know what, fuck it! I'm Kimmie!!!! I am who I am, and that is all I can ever be. And if anyone can't except that, they aren't worth my time and effort. I am worth so much more than I have put myself through the last nine years. So much more! I am worth of love, yeah, that unconditional kind. The kind of Love that only my children and parents have shown me, you know, the kind that they love you now matter how bad you mess up! Yeah that kind!

Even though I have been through some shit, and back. I have people who love me, and this STILL astounds me. The three faces of my babies, who love me no matter how much I can't do for them. The pride in my parents face when they say, 'this is my daughter' , no one can explain that feeling, The feeling of, hello, I've let them down on so many levels, and they are STILL proud of who I am. The feeling of knowing there are three souls in this universe who will love me, no matter how much I screw up!

I am unworthy of such love. I am undeserving. And yet, God still chose me to have these people in my life. How lucky can one girl be?!?!??!?!

There are A LOT of things to be negative about in my life, but the love that surrounds me is nothing compared to it. I am so lucky, and happy that this is my life!!!

Jealous Much!!!

Do a little dance...

One day at a time, that's what I've been told. Well, 147 days, one day at a time is a looooooooooooooooooooooong time.

But, everyday I get stronger. And today I am doing a little dance. (no, not making any love) and getting down tonight!!! Cause I can, and I'm worth it!

I'm a crazy kinda girl

Self worth comes from one thing, thinking you are worthy. - Wayne Dyer

This week has been a crawl for me. I feel as though I have been punched in the gut and flown back a few thousand steps. And then, I feel like geez I'm bitching a lot. AAHHH! Where did my stable ground go?

  Stupidity got the best of me, and now I am paying for letting my guard down. This stupid boy is going to ruin me forever. I don't want to hurt anymore. I've been looking in all the wrong places and doing all the wrong things. Still, my self-worth is no where around.

I want someone to love all the things I hate about myself, instead of someone who will point them out and make me feel worse.

Again

I thought I was broken before.

There is only so much you can take, before you break.

I have reached my breaking point, and I can't keep it together anymore.

My husband left me. How in the hell do I get past that? And why do I keep coming back to this question?? I thought I was past all this. But, when it comes down to it, my husband left ME. And I can't change it, and I can't fix it, and I can't make the statement untrue.

Dancing

Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to Dance in the Rain!

Oh, i'm a dancin' and singin' and making a fool of myself. But I am having fun learning to dance. Learning to love me. Who knew life could be fun, and actually worth it!

Okay, so why isn't real life like the movies? You know, I'm doing all these great things, striving to make a better life for myself and my kids. But there is no music in the background, where is my sound track?! I need a little push every now and again to know that I am doing the right thing, and wouldn't the Rocky music be perfect!! Makes me wanna run up some steps!! I know many of you have told me that I would have great days and bad days. I would fall down and fall back a few steps. But what about the in between days. The days where it's not bad but it's not great. The days I'm trying to remember why doing all this and stretching myself thin is worth it. Somebody play me a song...

The Little Things

Baby Blues comic strip is one of my favorites to read on Sunday mornings. This one sums up everything I am looking for in the future Mr. Kimmie.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside of your body." Elizabeth Stone

 My babies have been at their Daddy's house this week. It has been more difficult than words can describe. They are my heart. I need them, maybe even more than they need me. I feel empty and alone without them. They complete me. I miss them terribly and cannot wait until they come home. Oh the stories they will tell! Why is everything more exciting in the eyes and voice of a child? I'm not sure, but I couldn't live without it!!

Hurry home my babies!

I'm there

So, I'm there. As I was driving home from school today, an old song came on the radio. Dixie Chicks, 'You Were Mine'. And to my surprise, and my hearts surprise, no tears. My heart didn't drop, and I didn't even think about my past and the way I thought things should be. I'm there.

This man is the father of my three beautiful babies, and that I will be forever grateful. But I'm there. I'm ready.

I'm going to school. Not to prove a point to anyone, not even to show my kids the right thing to do. I'm doing it for me, completely selfish! Cause, I'm there.

It's been a loooooooooong, rocky road. But everything worth doing, is worth fighting. And this has been an uphill battle. Still is, but, I'm there.

Thank you Mommy and Daddy. Without those two showing me what true unconditional love is, I wouldn't be here!

I am one lucky lady! One lucky Sassy Kimmilicious!!

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

So, although my life is speeding past me. I do feel like I am the tortoise from the tortoise and the hare. I may not be going anywhere fast, but boy when I get there it's gonna be a celebration! School is tedious. Reading every night bites. I miss being number one on my kids list. But I know my parents are doing a better job than I can right now. And that is exactly what my babies need. The best. They are happy, content and well, well cared for. More than I could ask for. My parents have truly shown me what unconditional love is. Something I thought I didn't know, or have. But mommy and daddy are always behind me!

Daddy and I went to a concert together this past week. It was so much fun spending time with the man that raised me into the woman I am today. We have so much more in common than I ever thought possible. He's a cool dude. At dinner I toasted him, "To the one man that has never disappointed me." And it is true, daddy has never let me down. Truly loves me, and I feel that I am loved. It's been a long time since I have been able to say that. I am one lucky little girl!

Even though I am the least patient person on earth. I do know that I have to do what I need to, to get my life where I want it to be. I have unbelievable opportunities in front of me that I cannot wait to venture out on. It is so very true that God puts people in your life for a reason. Even if you don't see it, or think that it is just a chance encounter. That Big Man Upstairs knows that he is doing!!

One of my goals of starting this new chapter in life is to try new things. Things that I would otherwise be scared, or make up and excuse not to do. So here I go. I am gonna get on it and live my life to it's fullest and enjoy every opportunity placed in front of me!!!

As for my friends, you amaze me every time I post on here. How can my life be any consequence to you, but yet you tell me how wonderful I am doing. It means more to me than you will ever know. I have EVERY response saved, and on days that I am down I read them. You all are amazing, I am so lucky to have you as friends. I thank God he placed you in my life.

How did I get so lucky?

Real Life Sucks!

So, I've been in school for three weeks now and boy does it blow! I really don't like homework. I really don't like being able to do everything for my kids. I don't like studying. GRRRRRRRR. But I have to pay my dues, right? Once I am done with school, all this will be worth it. Right?

When did life get so hard? When did the life I had always dreamed of become something I don't recognize? Life has dealt me a hand. And I am trying to figure out how to play it to my advantage. But right now, this very moment, I feel like I'm losing.

It's easy to get down because I did bad on a test. It's easy to get down because I don't have anyone to tell my day too. It's easy to get down, period! But I have to stay positive. And today is one of the days where I don't have the strength to be positive.

Where my life is going, I haven't a clue. But I know it's gotta be better than what I've been through. Because if not, then what the hell am I doing all this for?!

I followed a friends advice and made a list. A list of things I want in my mate. It's a tall order let me tell you. But if anyone can do it, God can. And so, I'm waiting for this person to just walk into my life.

Is that how it works? I wait? Or do I have to go searching for what I want? 10 years outta the loop, and I have no idea what I am doing!!

So, please dear friends, let me know I am doing a good job. Let me know that I am on the right path. Because I feel sooooooooo lost right now.

Unexpected source of strength

This was my first week of college. I had so many anxieties about this week. I'm 30, and thought I would be the oldest person in my classes (I am, but noone has said anything). I didn't know if I would get lost or even if I could do it. But I did. And in the middle of the week, when I was down and having a just plain horrible day, I received a card in the mail. And unexpected source of strength.

Life is hard

sometimes -

crazy, mixed-up,

messed up.

And there you are,

in the middle of it all,

just doing your thing...

being strong and brave and 

beautiful

like it's 

no big deal.

But let me tell you girl,

it is!

Not everyone can do

what you can do.

Not everyone can handle

things the way you can.

While you wonder sometimes

if you are doing ok...

the rest of us are just 

watching in 

Wonder.

This card spoke straight to my heart. Made me cry and realize I can carry on.I keep it in my student planner, so that I see it everyday. Having people believe in me, and support me is an amazing feeling. And I am one lucky girl to be so loved!

Like it's an option

Sadly, I am not the only woman going through this shithole. So, apparently there is a clause in a marriage vow that lets the man do what he wants when he wants, because it's an option. I have friends, and friends of friends going through this, because apparently it's an option. I am lucky I have parents that let me move in, but some of these ladies and their children are not. And, so now we as wives, who gave these men everything, are now struggling, because apparently, it's an option. Walking away from a family, you made a commitment to, IS NOT AN OPTION. You make vows, before God, and it's NOT AN OPTION. Leaving for some younger, uglier piece of tail, NOT AN OPTION. Get over yourselves and get back to loving the life you have chosen, asshole!

AH HA!

So, today was my first day volunteering with the deployed airmen and families. *BIG SIGH* It felt like home. That is exactly where I belong. I can't even explain how good I feel about myself right now. In a week I start school, I am volunteering doing something I have a passion for and I'm finally taking care of myself physically. Who knew life could actually be this good, and not suck.
My kids have been in school for two weeks now and being on a schedule has helped a lot with getting settled. Putting them on the bus every morning is hard though. When did they become so independent, and not need mommy anymore? This week I have been taking Tavin to daycare and seeing him run in his room and say "Hi Friends!" melts me. There are two little girls that hug him every morning. I love the innocence and pureness of toddlers.
Needless to say, Kimmie is finding her nitch in life. And a little of my self worth. That is something I struggle with on a daily basis. But I'll get there soon enough.

Life Lessons

So, I've been dealt this hand of life. And from an outside view it sucks, big time. I have had A LOT of trials in my life. A LOT, some that have near broken me. But here I stand, strong and resilient! I have life experience, and because of this I can and will do great things. So, stop putting me down, stop treating me like I'm not worthy of anything. I am worth it all. The love of my children, the love and support of my parents. An education and a purpose in life. Drive, instead of adversity, I call it Drive.

Purpose!

Why is heart break the hardest thing in life? Even harder then child birth. At least in child birth there is something to look forward to at the end of it all. I'm in this tunnel of loneliness and I haven't a clue how to get out. The strangest thing happened though. Laying here, in my tears and sorrow, I realized what I am here for. What my passion in life is. How odd is that?! One negative thing can make me realize a whole life worth of reason! I now know, and have purpose. So here I go! Tomorrow is a whole new adventure for me. If I can survive my life being flipped upside down, I can conquer my life's ambition! Look out, here comes Kimmie!!

tears

I wish there was someone here to wipe my tears. Why does everything I do have to be so hard. Why is it so hard to be alone. Why is it so hard to have a man love me, for me. I keep blaming myself. Am I really that unlovable? Am I that undesirable? I get so down on myself so fast. I know it's not my fault, but it sure is easy to blame myself for this. It's easy to think that I am damaged goods and that no one in their right mind is going to want me. I mean, really, who would??? All I can do is cling to the words of friends and family. That I will find someone worth loving, and someone who loves me for me and loves my kids. period.

So, I've been doing a whole lot better these last few weeks. I've made a decision to move on and I have. Leaps and bounds. But last night it hit me hard, I'm lonely. Not I need a man, but I just don't have anyone here. I mean I moved back to my hometown where everyone has their lives already. I'm trying to rebuild mine, and I don't know where I belong. Hanging out with my married friends, I don't know if that would be awkward or not, but we are in different places in our lives. And I'm not 22, so I can't go to the club and party all night long. So, I am now looking for my place in this world. Where do I fit? Not even fit, where do I belong? The thought of going to a 'single parents' group is downright depressing.
Just feeling blah today.

Simple

It seems as though I have some friends worried about what I am posting on my blog. Well, I am entitled to say whatever comes into my pretty little brain, and trust me, I censor myself. I know you are looking out for my well-being, and I thank you whole-heartedly. BUT, this blog is my way to vent. This is where I can post my feelings and thoughts and receive criticism or insight.  I relish everything my friends have to say to me. It is so important to know that I have support and people believing in me. But, once again, this is the place I vent. I will never do anything rash. I vent here first, then think about what my plan of action is. Those three babies, they are what matters the most in the world. And I have to think of them first and foremost. So, please, let me vent. Let me throw a fit and be stupid on here. Because, here is where it stays. What happens on American Honey, stays on American Honey.

My big girl

I'm laying here listening to Kailey breathe as she sleeps. She has broken my heart again, and I just don't know how to make her better. She hit her knee and started crying, so she came and laid in my bed with me. She was sobbing, 'I miss daddy,' she says, 'so much mommy. Why does he have to be gone?' I inhaled slowly. What do I tell this child. She knows he's not in Iraq, and that he has his own house. How do I explain to her that daddy isn't living with us anymore. I can't. I told her it was okay to miss daddy and he would be home to see her in a few days. 'But I don't like it when he leaves, it makes me miss him more.' she said. I am holding back tears at this point! 'Mommy, whenever I get hurt (big boohoo tears now) it makes me think of daddy.' and I'm thinking, because he broke your heart. 'Because when I had that big crash and fell off my bike, he's the one that took care of me.'

Silence.

The stupid boy has walked away from that. From caring for his children. Cleaning wounds and kissing them better.  I wanted to call and yell at him and tell him what a bastard he is. But, he doesn't deserve to know that she misses him. He chose this. Not her.

Today

When I got out of bed this morning, there was a bug in my toothbrush. I should have just gotten back into bed. After two doctors appointments and waiting for what seems an eternity, this day was a total waste of make-up.

Explicite

The last few days have been downhill. The loneliness of this whole thing has been suffocating. Ive felt like I'm reliving the first few days of this whole situation. And dammit if I didn't feel sorry for myself. But, a little perspective can bring things into a whole new light. I just talked to Michael for about an hour and a half. Well, yelled at him mostly. It seems that I've done everything wrong and that I am a horrible wife. Hmmmm, didn't seem that way when we were married. Didn't seem that way when he went out with his buddies every weekend. Didn't seem that way in bed. All these 'complaints' that he is using I call bullshit on. Bullshit on everything. And Fuck him for fucking me over. He thinks a little scank ass whore can be more than I ever was. Well good fucking luck! Not this time. You have screwed me one to many times. That was the calm before the storm. i am a scored woman, who has, for to long pretended to be okay with everything. I'm NOT! I'm pissed off and the worlds about to find out. You say you always put me and the kids first, I'm calling bullshit again. Boy, you have no idea what you have done. Nor do you have any idea what's about to happen. I'm done protecting you and your career. Yes, I love you, but I refuse to be treated this way any longer. YOU turned around and walked away. YOU had the affair. YOU decided that some ugly ass bitch was worth more than me and the kids. NOW YOU are gonna suffer all the consequences that go with it!
 You think you are 'happy' now with a woman who agrees with EVERYTHING you say? I'm sorry I'm too much of a woman because I have an opinion!! And cheating on me, like you weren't getting enough. Boy you had more sex than all your friends combined. Dumb ass. I called tonight and told you that I still wanted you. But after that conversation. I'm done. Don't come back. Don't call and ask me how my day was. Don't. I don't want to be your friend. I'm angry and pissed off and I don't care anymore. You have hurt me time and time again. Enjoy your whore, on second thought. Don't. I hope you are fucking miserable with her and that nothing you do in your life ever amounts to anything compared to me and the kids. I'm moving on.

Sweet Child O Mine

So, not only am I the only with a new start, my babies are also venturing out on new things. Tavin had his first day of 'school', daycare. Talk about breakin a momma's heart! When I dropped him off today, his teacher, Mrs. Kathy said he would be just fine. I put Tavin down and said, 'Give momma a kiss,' he puckered up and kissed me goodbye. Well, I didn't think this whole thing all the way through. Andrew and Kailey were standing right next to me. My poor Tavy baby thought they were staying too! When all THREE of us left he wailed!!! It broke my heart. Really. After 5 hours I just couldn't leave him there any longer. I went and picked him up. I don't know who was happier to see whom. He ran up to me, mouth full of peaches! Melt my heart! Mrs. Kathy said he fussed a few times, but her did okay for his first day. Now, tomorrow he knows what's going on and I know he's gonna be upset. So, this mommy needs to put her big girl panties on and do it for him. *SIGH* Why does he have to grow up, that Sweet Child O Mine?

New Beginnings

Time does heal. Four weeks ago, I thought my life was over. I was convinced of such. But today, MY life is just beginning. I have three wonderful, albeit crazy, children. Loving parents who have taken me in, no questions asked. And I am on my way to a wonderful career by going back to college. My whole life I thought I was only someone because someone loved me. Turns out, me loving me is all I really ever needed. Trust me though, the man that ends up with me is gonna be a lucky man. I am quiet the catch, I am quickly finding out. Self worth is so important to self love. I am realizing what I am worth, and that I am worth more than I have ever imagined. God is teaching me patients. Funny, the one fruit of the spirit I'm lousy at. But my true love will come in time and I know God has something awesome planned for me. Better than anything I could ever try and force my life to be. So here is to new beginnings, a new chapter and a better Kimmie. Look out world, I'm on my way!!!

Yay for me! I'm doing more today than I ever thought I was capable of doing. I am a strong woman. Tattered on the edges, but I am Sweet American Honey.

Scorned Woman

It's the calm before the storm.

When did my life become making everyone else happy before myself? Why am I watching what I am saying fo fear of hurting someones feelings? I do I even care? I have plenty of explicit comments that I want to scream. There are people in my life that are irritating the shit out of me. But once again, I'm tip toeing around their feelings all the while, I'm miserable with myself. Someone slap me a good one so I can snap out of this.

Change

I don't even know where to begin. I finally got the closure I needed. And now, it's my time. Where do I begin? I got so wrapped up and consumed with my 'situation' and being wronged that I haven't stopped to think about what I really need. So, if there is anyone out there that knows what I need. I am open to suggestions.
I have noticed that I have made this blog about what has happened to me. And that is not what my intent was. I wanted this to be a healing process. A place to vent my feelings. And so, from now on. This is about me and me alone. How I am healing and finding myself. I am no longer a victim of my circumstances.
P.S. How does one 'find themselves'? I know physically where I am, and mentally I have all my marbles. So, where am I finding myself at?

Finally...

Today was my last day at Michaels house. I packed up my U-Haul and came home to Georgia. Before I left, we had a talk. A much needed, adult conversation. The in's and out's of our relationship, are ours alone. But, we are remaining friends. I love the man, always will. But, and this is a huge BUT, I will no longer be controlled by him. I am my own person, and everything he is 'providing' me is deserved. I stood by him for nine years. And I deserve EVERYTHING I am getting. So, please, no more judgement. I am finally standing on my own two feet (well, mommy and daddy are helping a smidgin) And become the person I have always dreamed me to be. I may be rough around the edges, and totally fabulous. But I am who I am, so love me for me and not who you want me to be.

Isn't ironic?

 

Look who survived!!

Enough Already!

I am beyond speechless. Is that even possible with my big mouth? I guess I was asking for it, but still I didn't think it was actually going to happen! I drove up to North Carolina, with my children in tow to get the kids toys and things from Michael's house (where the household good were delivered). My heart was racing as I pulled in and saw HER car at HIS house! Speechless. I don't know what to say. Furious. Hurt, again. And finally closure. I'm not going into details about what happened. But, as weird and crazy as it sounds. Seeing her, even with her head hung in shame, was the closure I needed to move on. He doesn't want to be with me anymore. p e r i o d. Can't change it, and it this point, I don't want to. So even if I am falling further down, there is nowhere to go but up from this moment on.

Stupid boy. I'm wasting no more tears on you. You played me for a fool. My greatest revenge. Become someone. Accomplishing my dreams. One day I'll be livin' in a big ol' city, and all you're ever gonna be is mean.

This weekend, my favorite weekend of the entire year, has been shitty. Learning how to function with Michael as a person and not as my husband sucks. Twice we have been together for festivities this weekend, and twice I've ended up crying myself to sleep. We aren't a family. Well, not the one that I am used to. And I don't know how to act or what to do when I am around him. "I'll never leave you." Words I clung too. He promised me forever. And here I sit, alone, crying by myself. My greatest fear ever, being alone. And I'm facing it head on. I'm crumbling under the pressure and just don't know what to do. How does one get through something like this? Why is it that I take these wonderful steps forwards. And then get shoved 17 steps backwards? This weekend has broken my heart all over again. I thought I was healing, And then he called her. yeah, her. And it feels like the night I found everything out again. I'm suffocating in my sorrow. I have been trying to look for the positive things in my life. And I really do have a wonderful life. But I feel whenever I start to focus on the good things, and moving forward, something negative brings me back down. I feel like one of the lower class people from the Titanic. I'm struggling to stay afloat in the freezing water, clinging to everything I have. And off in the distance is my life and everything I know. Refusing to come back and save me. There is a whole world in front of me, but why am I turned around starring at the one that I no longer have?

Funny how time heals. Two weeks I was struggling to get through my days. Crying all the time. And today, I'm just so lucky to have the life I have. I have amazing parents, wonderful kids and Ive learned through this blog an amazing group of friends who are very supportive! What girl wouldn't be happy?
Last night was the 4th celebration here in Warner Robins. Michael is in town, so my parents, me and the kids went with him to the fireworks and concert. Sitting on the blanket, every year before he would hold me while we watched the fireworks. This time, he held Kailey and Andrew and I wasn't sad. That isn't my life anymore. I am embracing my new, better life. Granted, I wake up alone, but God will give me that in due time. Right now, I am enjoying finding myself. Being lost is horrible and I didn't think I could ever come out of it. But this journey is one that I am grateful to travel.

Companionship

So, today I got GREAT news. I was accepted at Mercer University. I am going back to college!! I was so happy, I did a little dance and squealed like a teenager! Then I grabbed my phone. But to call who? The one person in the whole world I told everything first, is gone. The connection. The companionship. That's what I miss. I know, I know. I am my own woman, and I am strong and I can do anything I want and do it all by myself! But, I loved being married. I loved having someone by my side. Someone who knows everything about me. These small moments are the hardest for me. Yesterday, when Tavin went poop in the potty for the first time, I was so confused. Who do I tell? My best friend, my forever is gone. What is in my new forever? Will there be someone to share things like this with? Someone to wake up to in the morning? Someone to tell stupid secrets too and laugh about them with me? I'm very lonely right now, I need a hug...

I Feel Like a Woman...

*sigh* sometimes being a woman is a day to day challenge. Emotions are no joke. Especially when you through PMS on top of things. *sigh* I'm happy, I'm sad, and then BAM I feel like dancin'! But, on the flip side. I get to wear make-up and high heels. And even twirly dresses!! I may be selfish, and crazy and even a little moody at times. But if you can't handle me at my worst. You sure don't deserve me at my best!

Love being a woman!!!

How can I be healing when I'm soooooooooooo mad. So mad! I want to scream and yell and tell him exactly where to shove it!! He hurt me in more ways than I knew a person could be hurt. So all that healing crap. I take it back. I'm not healing, I'm angry. very, very angry. Angry that he could do this to me and the kids, and not give it a second thought. Angry that he never calls the kids to see how they are doing. Angry because I started censoring myself because he told me my blog hurt him. Yeah, he told ME that I hurt HIM. And I let if affect me! Well tough shit cookie. I'm pissed off. And the whole worlds about to hear about it. For nine years I let you put me down and tell me I wasn't good enough at anything that I did. And for nine years, I believed you. Enough is enough! I able capable and smart and strong and can do what I want. And, no I don't need you for anything. I'm sorry I let myself get so wrapped up in who you made me think I was. I'm not that person, and now I'm out to prove it. Nothing I ever did for nine years was good enough, nothing. And now I have the rest of MY life to live up to my standards!! He makes me so mad, he;s just sitting up there in NC doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants. And I am struggling to make it through my day!! I'm drowning in the kids, and nothing here is mine. I feel misplaced and unwanted. But how do I change my mindset? For so long he made me believe that it didn't matter what I did, it just wasn't enough. How do I let myself let my family in? My parents, who unselfishly, let me move in here to get back on my feet. how do I let them in? How do I undo the damage that was done to my heart? Love, it's all I ever needed. Until it was ripped away from me, and now I'm lost. I think I'm doing fine, and BAM, it all rushes back to me, and I feel like I was hit with a truck. I'm shaken and bruised and wobbly. Will I ever be normal again? I feel so up and down. This roller coaster of emotions is almost to much to handle. I need stable steady ground.

My heart

There is this hole. Where my heart once was. My heart that would beat for him. And modern medicine has no type of stitches to close up a broke heart. So, open it sits, vulnerable to all the world around it. But, the amazing things about wounds. They heal. Even the deepest ones. My heart used to be his. But, I have it back now. I'm still protecting it like the precious property that it is. It still beats, but not for him. It beats for me and my babies. And everyday it beats stronger and I can feel my wounded soul beginning to heal.

The tunnel

Today was a good day. Not a great day, but good. I didn't feel like crying, I didn't mope around. I got up and was functional. I had a child pee the bed, so I had to do laundry. I had to make breakfast and lunch. Then clean up those messes. I cleaned my room and the bathroom. I stopped fights and fixed boredom. These small steps are huge strides for me. Just last week it was that I didn't want to do any of this. Now I can, I am feeling more like myself.  This horrible dark tunnel that I'm in right now, there may actually be a light at the end of it. I'm not there. Not even close. But I am moving forward and right now, that's all I can do.

Reply

"only you allow yourself to fall backwards" Wow. True, so true. I was too busy having a pity party for myself to realize that I am the reason I am feeling this way. He's done, he's gone. I can't change that. But I can NOT let him have control of me anymore. I can take my heart back. I can move on and live my best life. (Thanks Oprah!) It's so easy to play the victim. Very easy. Standing up and fighting. That's the hard stuff. But after nine years of being put down, being told that no matter what I do isn't going to be good enough. I need to prove to Kimmie, that I am enough. Me. Being me is enough. Loving me is enough. Just because he never saw my potential, doesn't mean it isn't there. Doesn't mean that I can still live out my dreams and plans I had before he came along. Why do we give so much control to a person? How did I loose so much of myself in him? Where did I go? I know I'm awesome. I know I'm nice. I know I'm pretty. But I just don't know my worth.

Stupid Boy

Ignorance is bliss.

That moment when you are fine with the way things are, and you suddenly realize the way things REALLY are. Yeah, that moment sucks. I was blissfully ignorant to the fact of what I was left for. Oh yes, he says he wasn't happy, he says he needs some time for him. Bullshit. I'm calling his bluff.
This past weekend Rachel and I had a girls night out. We went to a club, had some drinks and danced the night away. But, then it hits me. As I'm standing at some stupid table with people all around me. Most too drunk to know their own name. THIS, this is what I was left for. Yeah, talk about a buzz kill. You know that one thing that 16 year old boys want? Yeah, they still want it at 28. I am worth so much more than standing in a crowded room with random people hitting on me. Give me some substance please. I had fun with my besty, but that night broke my heart all over again. I was taking steps forward to healing, and this feels like a huge push backwards.
Once again, I am trying to collect the pieces of my heart and become a functioning human being. But, I just want to know, how many more times is this going to happen? Because my poor shattered heart, I don't know how much more it can take. I want to feel whole again. To feel love again.

Life is good at the beach

I'm in Florida visiting my best friend this week.

I brought Kailey with me, for a girls week!!

Kailey said the beach was sooooooo much fun! It was so good to see her having fun, all her worries washed away, being a kid!

 Yeah, so I'm starting a journey to find me, so why not try new things?! That's me in the ocean. Yup, Ive always been scared to walk into the water. But today, I did it, and I even boogie boarded (is that a word) once too. It may not seem like much, but for me it was a big deal to try something new, and overcome a fear.

If the sand wasn't so messy, I could definitely live at the beach.

And with a view like this, I, for once, didn't have a care in the world. I needed this vacation more than I knew. A best friend is a best friend for a reason. The one person I can talk to and cry and be crazy with. And she understands. And still loves me. Let the healing begin!

   

P.S. Rachel is Awesome!

Who said?

Whoever said that everything happens for a reason needs to be punched in the face. Poop on you, cause that's crap.  My life is hard. My life is nothing I want it to be. Whoever said nothing good in life comes easy, I'd like to punch them in the balls. And don't get me started on good things come to those who wait! I'm almost 30 years old! I've done the single thing, I lived at my parents while going to school and working a part time job. Why am I going backwards?! Don't tell me, there's an annoying little saying for that?? One day at a time, I hear this one a lot. I'm struggling to make it an hour at a time, let alone 24 of them!! Oh, and God won't give you anything you can't handle. UMMMMM..... I'm not handling this very well, so how's that one gonna work out for me? I'm a mess, a hot southern mess. I cry. I eat too much. I mope. I have anxiety, lots of it. I just wanna yell at someone. Tell them exactly where they can shove it. Get all this crap outta me! I am just lost. And I know there's a whole bunch of sayings for that one. But truthfully, how the hell am I going to get through this?

Patients

I push. I push and I push and then I push some more. Patients. I need some, actually any. Sometimes, when I'm pushing so hard I forget why I started the push in the first place. I need to step back and see what I'm pushing for. Last night I went out with a good friend and it was sitting there laughing and trying wine I realized, just because I don't have a husband, doesn't mean I'm incomplete. Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to be a wife and mother. Check! But now that my husband isn't here doesn't mean that I still can't be a whole person, right? I have this HUGE gaping hole in me. And I've been searching for something, anything to shove into it. I supposed it's normal, but it just makes me feel even worse.
Because I want what I want when I want it and I want it now. Patients. A friend of mine told me this, " He's not only going to grant you patients, He's going to give you something to be patient for." I'm holding onto that with all I have. So I need to stop trying to fill this void in me with something that just isn't going to last and wait for the thing that will. But that means I have to wait, and I don't want to.

I was sitting in the doctor's office the other day, I looked up from playing on my phone. And there it was. Yup, hanging on the wall at a doctor's office, was my answer! It was a painting, it looked like one of those 1980's water colors, bleck. But the words spoke so true, the words filled my heart (that sounds like the Grinch's heart growing three sizes, doesn't it?) and I smiled, for once, I actually KNEW I was going to be okay.
'For I know the plans I have for you Declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.' Jeremiah 29:11-13
I sat in the chair just starring at it. WOW. How many times have I read this passage before and never hit me like it has now. The part that brought tears to my eyes, 'Plans to give you hope and a future' both things that I can't see right now. Both things that I thought were gone forever. I'm devastated, humiliated, and overwhelmed. But it's right there in black and white, God has hope for me and a FUTURE! What more could a girl ask for?

Just to see them smile.

Michael came down for Father's Day weekend. The kids are staying with him at his parents house. They are so excited. They adore their father. And I'm having major anxiety issues. We took the kids to Toys R Us, in our van, like a family. It was the most awkward, uncomfortable feeling I have ever had. I just don't see how this is actually real. Really, really happening. But to see those babies smile. It's worth it. To know their hearts are full because daddy is home. I can suck it up. For them to feel whole again, I would do it over and over. I love them more than myself, and their happiness is my first priority.

Today

Today. Today has been grueling. I have been down, way down. And  then I feel way up! I really hate brokenness. I want to be whole again, to move forward with my life. I don't know what direction I'm headed, but it's gotta be better than standing here watching life happen. On a normal, non-broken heart day, I LOVE life. I love to laugh and to see what adventures are out there waiting for me. But now my normal is struggling just to get through my day. BLECK. I really don't like the person I am right now. Stupid Love. Stupid Boy. Stupid everything. Someone slap me outta this! I want to feel good again, to sigh with happiness and not despair. To not look in the mirror and see a woman whose life is shattered, but to see Kimmie, that girl we all know and love! (You know you love me!) I wanna feel whole again. I want to be worthy of love, worthy enough to love myself. And that in itself is a mental stumbling block.
On a different note, I was talking to my parents today. Who I am so lucky to have! And in the process of talking things out, I realized something. I am having a tough time moving past my situation because in my poor mind, Michael is on a deployment. I am used to doing things alone. I'm used to waking up without him. This is good for the kids, because they aren't so broken. They can live their lives and play and have fun. But for me, he's not here, and he is not coming back and I haven't processed that yet. How does ones head tell ones heart that he's not here anymore? What 'thing' is going to make me realize this isn't a deployment? When am I going to have my 'ah ha' moment?

Where I belong

Lots of progress today. Lots. But there has been this one nagging thing. I haven't been able to put my finger on it. This feeling that I didn't belong. I have felt misplaced ever since I moved here. And finally I realized it. The same reason I moved back to Leavenworth after two weeks of being here. I don't belong here. Warner Robins, is not my home*. I'm lost. I always counted on calling wherever the Army sent my little family home. But now that part is gone. And I have moved back here and I feel displaced. Not like when you move to a new place weird, just displaced. Not right. So, what does one do about that? I don't know. ANOTHER question that I don't know the answer too. I have been thinking long and hard and I just am answer-less. Because, when all is said and done, and I have my degree, then what? I'm still gonna be living in Warner Robins. I know this may seem like an odd thing to whoever is reading this. But belonging is a big issue for me. I've felt lost for most of my life, and in the Army I found family and friends. And now, nothing. This is the time for Kimmie. Time for me to ask these weird questions and find some answers. And seeing as how I don't think Jake Gyllenhaal is going to knock on my door anytime soon, I don't know how to even begin answering this question. If I'm making goals, short and long term, doesn't this count as one? A big one I would think. Because this is the rest of my life. I want to feel like I belong. I want to love everything about my life.

*Disclaimer* Mom, you are a wonderful for letting me move back here. and I'm not complaining about living in your house. I just don't feel like I belong here. Call it women's intuition, or a mother's instinct. Love you!

I am the only one that can make me happy. Why is this so hard to remember? Today was a bust. I moped around the house and the only thing I did was put laundry away. My mom reminded me that Michael isn't up there in NC moping around. In fact, he's probably livin' it up. Enjoying every moment of being single. And here I am, sulking around let grief and anger consume me. So, why am I letting him do this to me? Why am I still giving him control over me? And if I am in fact the only one that can make me happy, why am I so miserable?!

This one's just for me.

Today started out okay. But I was feeling spiteful. Shame on me. So I picked a fight with Michael. Shame on me. But I got some answers, and some peace. But mainly I am angry. He's not the man I married. I have to keep telling myself that. He has changed into this person I really don't like. Really. And according to him, this is who he wants to be and that this 'New Michael' can't stand to be around me. Nice.
*SIGH*
There are these things that I keep beating myself up about. Things that I really couldn't have changed anyway. Because, this wasn't my fault. So, I need to remember that when I feel as though he has ruined my life. He hasn't, my life has just started. When I feel abandoned and alone. I'm not, God loves me, my family loves me and I have amazing friends that love me. And because God loves me, he will put a man in my life that will truly love me. When I think that I can't be a single parent, I didn't ask to be a single parent, just remember that my kids will admire me for what I'm doing, one day. When I think that I'm worthless. (I think this one quiet often.) Remember all those people who loved me up there? Yeah, they still love me and I'm not worthless. And can I really achieve my dreams at 30? UHH, YES! I'm 30, not dead!

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. 1 Peter 5:7
Thanks God, you're a pretty awesome dude, and the main reason why I know I can do this!

When I was younger, I wanted to be an actress. Really, really, bad. I also wanted to be in broadcast journalism. My first step. Achieving a dream. If they were at one point the dreams and plans I had for my life, why can't they STILL be my aspirations now? Look out world, you haven't seen the best of me yet! Step one, achieving my dreams. Okay, maybe that's like step 12. Step one really needs to be learning to stand up straight. I've been blind sided by a low blow. Picking myself up and dusting myself off is really step one. Easier said then done. There have been a few days when I've felt as though I could conquer the world. But there are others that kick my ass. Life is hard, life is super-duper hard. And I for one don't want to be the loser in this situation. Talk is easy. But actually doing all these things is going to be hard, but I'm a wildflower... no rose no daisy can touch what I got!
I went to dinner with a friend tonight, and she asked me a good question. "Have you seen anyone not make it?" No, everyone I know that has a curve ball thrown at them, has made it. Encouraging. This is not the path I had laid out for my life. But that doesn't mean it has to be bad. I can make my life even more awesome than it was before. Wanna watch me?

Here's the Deal

Okay. So, I have had several people tell me that they hope Michael and I work things out. I understand their concern, but after the three months I have just gone through and being tossed to the side like a piece of trash. It's not going to happen. If a man that loved me for nine years can just turn around and walk away from me, WHY, WHY in the world would I, as a self respecting woman, just take him back because he changed his mind back?! I gave him my all, and this is what I got. I am mad, I am ssoooooo mad right now. Mostly at myself. I was so wrapped up in living his life, being his wife, I lost me. And now I am almost 30, have three kids and live in my parents house. Now that's a dating profile that's gonna get a bunch of interest. So, being lost  in his life, I stopped living mine and now I'm at the lowest point in my life, and there is nowhere to go but up from here. Question is(You knew I was gonna ask a question!) What's my first step?

Change

I know I ask a lot of questions, but I have so many things going on in my brain. How does someone quit their lives? If the roles were reversed and I left. I don't think I could go but a few hours without know what my kids were doing. In fact I know that if I were gone, all I would think about is them. I don't understand men. I don't think I ever will.
I was reading one of my favorite books today, Captivating, by John and Stacey Elredge. I just don't know how he thinks his life is complete without me. Woman was the last thing God created. It wasn't until he made us that he was satisfied with his creation. Enough said.
As much as I want to be loved again, I need to know that I am worthy of love. I need to love Kimmie before someone can love me. My trouble is, where do I find that love for myself? Where does that come from? I know I'm awesome (you know you smiled at that), but where does self-worth come from? I pray everyday that I find it. If this is a lesson in patients, God you win! Tell me where my worth lies.

He's taken away my whole life. My whole life. Everything I know and love. It know that sounds cliche, but it's the truth. I am standing here wondering where my life went, trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong. And he's running around at bars and fast food joints, just living his life. HELLO! When do I get a say-so in this situation? Why is it that he gets to say he's done, and turn around and walk away. I'm standing here picking up what is left of me. And there isn't much left at all. He's being unbelievably selfish. Not just to me. But to our kids. You know, when he got me pregnant, four times, he made a comment to those children to be their father! How can he just turn around and walk away? How can he not call everyday asking how they are? How can he just forget everything our family was? Why is this happening!!!!!!!!!!!! Make it stop, someone make it stop! I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare and realize my family is still intact. I keep reliving the night I found everything out, over and over. Make it stop. I need peace. Everyone keeps telling me I will be alright. How do they know? How do they know that I'm not gonna be alone forever? How do they know what I am feeling? How do they know how to function everyday with three children depending on me? How does anyone know?! Sometimes I want to punch her in the face. Well, most of the time I want to punch her in the face. But she's not the one that tore my family apart. It was him, he made the choice. Damn him! This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, including labor. Atleast with labor there is a beautiful reward at the end. Now, I see nothingness. I'm numb to the world around me. He just keeps living his life and i am scrambling to piece my back together. Someone please tell me how you know that I am going to be okay.

Rascal Flatts - Stand

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright
You'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand
Then you stand

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand (then you stand)
Yea, then you stand (then you stand)

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place, yea
Ooohhh

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand (then you stand)
Then you stand (then you stand)
Yea, then you stand (then you stand)
Yea (then you stand)
Ohhh (then you stand)
Ohhh (then you stand)
Ohhh (then you stand)
Ohhh (then you stand)
Then you stand

Here I am, bent until I'm broken,  helpless, because I have lost my fight. But, I've spent enough being beaten down, in this loosing battle. Now it's time to taste what I'm made of, It's my turn to stand on my own two feet and find the strength I've always had in me. And to stand.

Tears

Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Last night was rough. I was up with the kids until 1:30 am because they missed daddy. They were crying, big boo-hoo tears. Heart breaking sobs that brought this mommy to her knees. They don't deserve this!! They adore their daddy!! I am a big girl, I can mend my broken heart and find someone who will love me. But they are babies and he is their DADDY! He will always be their DADDY! How do I fix this for them? How do I tell my big girl that daddy chose to leave and not live with us? This isn't a conversation I ever dreamed of having with my babies!
Is there a cure to mend a broken heart caused by daddy?

Who I Am is now Who I Was

I've been having trouble distancing myself from who I was. It feels as though Michael is on a deployment and not that he left. I still think in Army terms, and the military way of life. I went to see JAG today, and while talking to the Lieutenant I came to the realization that Michael and the Army are my WHOLE life. The Lieutenant suggested that before anything is put on paper I should separate the things that are mine from the things that are his. Well, hmmmm... everything thing I have IS HIS. Yeah, I was that wife. That Army wife. I was active in his units activities, I knew most people that he worked with, I participated in the FRG, attended AFTB classes, and worked at the AFAP. Heck, I even helped reveal the Spouse Appreciation Pin ( here ) Yeah, that's me! I was even going to school to work in Public Relations in the Army. Even my favorite t-shirt says My Solider My Hero. It was my WHOLE life, and I loved every second of it. And now I don't know what to do!  What do I do with my Army stuff? Do I keep the awards, can I still wear the shirts?? WHY IS THIS SO CONFUSING!!!!! IS there a right and wrong to this? If so, what are they? I'm lost and I don't know where to even begin to find a new direction in my life.

You lie like a priceless Persian rug on a rich man's floor...

'You lie like a coon dog basking in the sun on my porch...'
You lie!

You said you'd love me forever - You lie
You said I was all you ever needed - You lie
You said we would grow old together - You lie

'It just comes way to natural to you
The way you lie'

You know what hurts the most? Is he said the last nine years have been a lie. A LIE?! Was I imagining things? Was I in the same relationship as him? Why did it feel so real to me, but now to him it was all a lie? Everything we made together, everything we experienced together, they were all lies?

I'm so mad right now. Mad that he has the balls to take everything that we had together and belittle it by calling it a lie! How dare he rip my world apart by leaving, break my heart into a thousand tiny pieces by cheating and then turn around and spit on it by calling our lives a lie!

'Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna drive into the big ol' muddy river
I'm gonna park my car in the middle of the mile-long bridge
And then I'm gonna cry well maybe just a little
Then I'm gonna slip off the ring that you put on my finger
Give it a big ol' fling and watch it sink
Down, down, down
There it's gonna lie
Until the Lord comes back around'
-The Band Perry

If you can't keep a promise to me, then don't promise it. I'm worth more than that.

Day Two

Three things that will last forever- faith, hope, and love- and the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13.

My favorite verse. So hard to believe right now, because I just took my wedding rings off, the symbol of our love. But I know it speaks truth. And when Love does find me, it will be the greatest of these.

Day one...

I'm scared to start writing. I have a lot of things going on in my head. A lot to write about, but once I start it means that this is really happening. Really, Really. It means, my husband really left. It means, I'm living in my parents house with my three kids. It means that I went from living the life I always dreamed of, the life I love, to a life I don't recognize. One that I never asked for or wanted. Why is it that he gets to walk away and he instantly get 'bachelor' status. And I become a single mom of three? I gave this person my everything. My whole life. I waited for him, through two deployments, numerous school and trainings. Through late nights at work, and staff duty. So why does he get to up and leave? Why? Why does he get to shatter my world and rip me and the kids lives apart? Why?  What happened to my happily ever after? My white knight rode off, leaving me and our three kids. This man promised me forever! Forever means forever, not until you decide you want something else! We made vows. How are they so easily tossed to the side?

I've had people tell me that everything happens for a reason. But what reason could this possibly have happened for? Does that makes sense? That there is a reason that my husband cheated and left and now I'm left picking up the pieces trying to put things back together? It doesn't make sense to me.

I chose the name American Honey based on the song by Lady Antebellum. I want to get back to my roots. They way I was raised, the things that made me who I am. So join me on my journey. The journey to find me again, through the up and downs. The laughter and the tears. And hopefully on the other side of this, I will find my worth.