Simple

It seems as though I have some friends worried about what I am posting on my blog. Well, I am entitled to say whatever comes into my pretty little brain, and trust me, I censor myself. I know you are looking out for my well-being, and I thank you whole-heartedly. BUT, this blog is my way to vent. This is where I can post my feelings and thoughts and receive criticism or insight.  I relish everything my friends have to say to me. It is so important to know that I have support and people believing in me. But, once again, this is the place I vent. I will never do anything rash. I vent here first, then think about what my plan of action is. Those three babies, they are what matters the most in the world. And I have to think of them first and foremost. So, please, let me vent. Let me throw a fit and be stupid on here. Because, here is where it stays. What happens on American Honey, stays on American Honey.

My big girl

I'm laying here listening to Kailey breathe as she sleeps. She has broken my heart again, and I just don't know how to make her better. She hit her knee and started crying, so she came and laid in my bed with me. She was sobbing, 'I miss daddy,' she says, 'so much mommy. Why does he have to be gone?' I inhaled slowly. What do I tell this child. She knows he's not in Iraq, and that he has his own house. How do I explain to her that daddy isn't living with us anymore. I can't. I told her it was okay to miss daddy and he would be home to see her in a few days. 'But I don't like it when he leaves, it makes me miss him more.' she said. I am holding back tears at this point! 'Mommy, whenever I get hurt (big boohoo tears now) it makes me think of daddy.' and I'm thinking, because he broke your heart. 'Because when I had that big crash and fell off my bike, he's the one that took care of me.'

Silence.

The stupid boy has walked away from that. From caring for his children. Cleaning wounds and kissing them better.  I wanted to call and yell at him and tell him what a bastard he is. But, he doesn't deserve to know that she misses him. He chose this. Not her.

Today

When I got out of bed this morning, there was a bug in my toothbrush. I should have just gotten back into bed. After two doctors appointments and waiting for what seems an eternity, this day was a total waste of make-up.

Explicite

The last few days have been downhill. The loneliness of this whole thing has been suffocating. Ive felt like I'm reliving the first few days of this whole situation. And dammit if I didn't feel sorry for myself. But, a little perspective can bring things into a whole new light. I just talked to Michael for about an hour and a half. Well, yelled at him mostly. It seems that I've done everything wrong and that I am a horrible wife. Hmmmm, didn't seem that way when we were married. Didn't seem that way when he went out with his buddies every weekend. Didn't seem that way in bed. All these 'complaints' that he is using I call bullshit on. Bullshit on everything. And Fuck him for fucking me over. He thinks a little scank ass whore can be more than I ever was. Well good fucking luck! Not this time. You have screwed me one to many times. That was the calm before the storm. i am a scored woman, who has, for to long pretended to be okay with everything. I'm NOT! I'm pissed off and the worlds about to find out. You say you always put me and the kids first, I'm calling bullshit again. Boy, you have no idea what you have done. Nor do you have any idea what's about to happen. I'm done protecting you and your career. Yes, I love you, but I refuse to be treated this way any longer. YOU turned around and walked away. YOU had the affair. YOU decided that some ugly ass bitch was worth more than me and the kids. NOW YOU are gonna suffer all the consequences that go with it!
 You think you are 'happy' now with a woman who agrees with EVERYTHING you say? I'm sorry I'm too much of a woman because I have an opinion!! And cheating on me, like you weren't getting enough. Boy you had more sex than all your friends combined. Dumb ass. I called tonight and told you that I still wanted you. But after that conversation. I'm done. Don't come back. Don't call and ask me how my day was. Don't. I don't want to be your friend. I'm angry and pissed off and I don't care anymore. You have hurt me time and time again. Enjoy your whore, on second thought. Don't. I hope you are fucking miserable with her and that nothing you do in your life ever amounts to anything compared to me and the kids. I'm moving on.

Sweet Child O Mine

So, not only am I the only with a new start, my babies are also venturing out on new things. Tavin had his first day of 'school', daycare. Talk about breakin a momma's heart! When I dropped him off today, his teacher, Mrs. Kathy said he would be just fine. I put Tavin down and said, 'Give momma a kiss,' he puckered up and kissed me goodbye. Well, I didn't think this whole thing all the way through. Andrew and Kailey were standing right next to me. My poor Tavy baby thought they were staying too! When all THREE of us left he wailed!!! It broke my heart. Really. After 5 hours I just couldn't leave him there any longer. I went and picked him up. I don't know who was happier to see whom. He ran up to me, mouth full of peaches! Melt my heart! Mrs. Kathy said he fussed a few times, but her did okay for his first day. Now, tomorrow he knows what's going on and I know he's gonna be upset. So, this mommy needs to put her big girl panties on and do it for him. *SIGH* Why does he have to grow up, that Sweet Child O Mine?

New Beginnings

Time does heal. Four weeks ago, I thought my life was over. I was convinced of such. But today, MY life is just beginning. I have three wonderful, albeit crazy, children. Loving parents who have taken me in, no questions asked. And I am on my way to a wonderful career by going back to college. My whole life I thought I was only someone because someone loved me. Turns out, me loving me is all I really ever needed. Trust me though, the man that ends up with me is gonna be a lucky man. I am quiet the catch, I am quickly finding out. Self worth is so important to self love. I am realizing what I am worth, and that I am worth more than I have ever imagined. God is teaching me patients. Funny, the one fruit of the spirit I'm lousy at. But my true love will come in time and I know God has something awesome planned for me. Better than anything I could ever try and force my life to be. So here is to new beginnings, a new chapter and a better Kimmie. Look out world, I'm on my way!!!

Yay for me! I'm doing more today than I ever thought I was capable of doing. I am a strong woman. Tattered on the edges, but I am Sweet American Honey.

Scorned Woman

It's the calm before the storm.

When did my life become making everyone else happy before myself? Why am I watching what I am saying fo fear of hurting someones feelings? I do I even care? I have plenty of explicit comments that I want to scream. There are people in my life that are irritating the shit out of me. But once again, I'm tip toeing around their feelings all the while, I'm miserable with myself. Someone slap me a good one so I can snap out of this.

Change

I don't even know where to begin. I finally got the closure I needed. And now, it's my time. Where do I begin? I got so wrapped up and consumed with my 'situation' and being wronged that I haven't stopped to think about what I really need. So, if there is anyone out there that knows what I need. I am open to suggestions.
I have noticed that I have made this blog about what has happened to me. And that is not what my intent was. I wanted this to be a healing process. A place to vent my feelings. And so, from now on. This is about me and me alone. How I am healing and finding myself. I am no longer a victim of my circumstances.
P.S. How does one 'find themselves'? I know physically where I am, and mentally I have all my marbles. So, where am I finding myself at?

Finally...

Today was my last day at Michaels house. I packed up my U-Haul and came home to Georgia. Before I left, we had a talk. A much needed, adult conversation. The in's and out's of our relationship, are ours alone. But, we are remaining friends. I love the man, always will. But, and this is a huge BUT, I will no longer be controlled by him. I am my own person, and everything he is 'providing' me is deserved. I stood by him for nine years. And I deserve EVERYTHING I am getting. So, please, no more judgement. I am finally standing on my own two feet (well, mommy and daddy are helping a smidgin) And become the person I have always dreamed me to be. I may be rough around the edges, and totally fabulous. But I am who I am, so love me for me and not who you want me to be.

Isn't ironic?

 

Look who survived!!

Enough Already!

I am beyond speechless. Is that even possible with my big mouth? I guess I was asking for it, but still I didn't think it was actually going to happen! I drove up to North Carolina, with my children in tow to get the kids toys and things from Michael's house (where the household good were delivered). My heart was racing as I pulled in and saw HER car at HIS house! Speechless. I don't know what to say. Furious. Hurt, again. And finally closure. I'm not going into details about what happened. But, as weird and crazy as it sounds. Seeing her, even with her head hung in shame, was the closure I needed to move on. He doesn't want to be with me anymore. p e r i o d. Can't change it, and it this point, I don't want to. So even if I am falling further down, there is nowhere to go but up from this moment on.

Stupid boy. I'm wasting no more tears on you. You played me for a fool. My greatest revenge. Become someone. Accomplishing my dreams. One day I'll be livin' in a big ol' city, and all you're ever gonna be is mean.

This weekend, my favorite weekend of the entire year, has been shitty. Learning how to function with Michael as a person and not as my husband sucks. Twice we have been together for festivities this weekend, and twice I've ended up crying myself to sleep. We aren't a family. Well, not the one that I am used to. And I don't know how to act or what to do when I am around him. "I'll never leave you." Words I clung too. He promised me forever. And here I sit, alone, crying by myself. My greatest fear ever, being alone. And I'm facing it head on. I'm crumbling under the pressure and just don't know what to do. How does one get through something like this? Why is it that I take these wonderful steps forwards. And then get shoved 17 steps backwards? This weekend has broken my heart all over again. I thought I was healing, And then he called her. yeah, her. And it feels like the night I found everything out again. I'm suffocating in my sorrow. I have been trying to look for the positive things in my life. And I really do have a wonderful life. But I feel whenever I start to focus on the good things, and moving forward, something negative brings me back down. I feel like one of the lower class people from the Titanic. I'm struggling to stay afloat in the freezing water, clinging to everything I have. And off in the distance is my life and everything I know. Refusing to come back and save me. There is a whole world in front of me, but why am I turned around starring at the one that I no longer have?

Funny how time heals. Two weeks I was struggling to get through my days. Crying all the time. And today, I'm just so lucky to have the life I have. I have amazing parents, wonderful kids and Ive learned through this blog an amazing group of friends who are very supportive! What girl wouldn't be happy?
Last night was the 4th celebration here in Warner Robins. Michael is in town, so my parents, me and the kids went with him to the fireworks and concert. Sitting on the blanket, every year before he would hold me while we watched the fireworks. This time, he held Kailey and Andrew and I wasn't sad. That isn't my life anymore. I am embracing my new, better life. Granted, I wake up alone, but God will give me that in due time. Right now, I am enjoying finding myself. Being lost is horrible and I didn't think I could ever come out of it. But this journey is one that I am grateful to travel.