Making History

You know, I don't think I have an enemy out there. I'm sure someone doesn't like me. But I don't know about it. So, if everyone likes me, that means I haven't stood up for myself. I haven't spoken my mind. I have always behaved. And as the saying goes, Well behaved Women, Rarely Make History.  Well, honey. I'm about to make some history. I'm tired of dealing with people just because I don't want to hurt their feelings, meanwhile, I'm dying inside. Move over, cause Kimmie is coming alive! I'm going to be who I am. Like what I like. No excuses accepted! And if said person doesn't like it. Tough shit. I am who I am. I was made in God's image, and God loves me. THAT is all I need.  Much love to all who put up with me. I am a handful and do crazy things, but your love is what pulls me through the stupidity!

Time

If you are not an impatient person, you wouldn't understand my ENTIRE life. But, the time has come for me to give up my selfish wishes and things I think I want/need. And accept what I have and be grateful. I can only handle so much at once. So, all those thing I want, can wait. Easier said than done. But a can do. In time crazy Kimmie, in sweet time.

The path to self discovery is quiet awkward.  I thought, hey, I'm Kimmie and I can do this. Well, granted I'm Kimmie, but doing this is H A R D. Being a student again is tough, being a mommy is harder than I could ever imagine. And knowing that at any minute I could let someone down, down right impossible to comprehend.

I do my day to day, pretending like I have it together. And I just pray that no one figures out what a mess I really am. Who am I to deserve ANY of this. Parents that took me and my kids in, no questions asked. Going to school to be what Kimmie wants to be. Kids that love me, flaws and all. I'm not worthy of this. Not even in the slightest. Yet.... they still smile at me. They still tell me they love me. And you, my friends, remind me of how much I am worthy.

It's easy for me to get stuck on the bad that has happened. BUT, it turns out, this has been the best experience of my life. And my worth, it's out there somewhere, I'll find it. But for now. Knowing that you, whoever is reading this, loves me. That is all I need.

Who Says

I've been doing so good. I've got my wonderful new life. Parents who have given everything for me. Beautiful children who are my reason to get up in the morning, and then...


Today. I was unpacking MY Christmas stuff. Of all things. I lost it. I cried in my Daddy's arms. I'm crying now. I didn't ask for this. I don't deserve this. I had a life, a life I loved. Where did it go? And why did it leave?

Why, why do I have to go through this? What, what is this teaching me? I am so confused, I just don't even know what to think.

I'm heart broken. My life is upside down. I'm a square trying to fit in a circle peg.

I just want to love and be loved in return, is that so much to ask?????

Ya Know

So, turns out, I'm not perfect. But you know what, fuck it! I'm Kimmie!!!! I am who I am, and that is all I can ever be. And if anyone can't except that, they aren't worth my time and effort. I am worth so much more than I have put myself through the last nine years. So much more! I am worth of love, yeah, that unconditional kind. The kind of Love that only my children and parents have shown me, you know, the kind that they love you now matter how bad you mess up! Yeah that kind!

Even though I have been through some shit, and back. I have people who love me, and this STILL astounds me. The three faces of my babies, who love me no matter how much I can't do for them. The pride in my parents face when they say, 'this is my daughter' , no one can explain that feeling, The feeling of, hello, I've let them down on so many levels, and they are STILL proud of who I am. The feeling of knowing there are three souls in this universe who will love me, no matter how much I screw up!

I am unworthy of such love. I am undeserving. And yet, God still chose me to have these people in my life. How lucky can one girl be?!?!??!?!

There are A LOT of things to be negative about in my life, but the love that surrounds me is nothing compared to it. I am so lucky, and happy that this is my life!!!

Jealous Much!!!