New Chapter and a New Start

This holiday weekend has been more than I expected. What I wanted was a nice Christmas with my babies and my parents. BUT what I got was a Christmas with my parents, my babies and my ex husband. It takes a lot of paitents, and understand that he is their daddy and needs to be with them too. A LOT!!!! I went into Christmas wishing that it was my house, and my own families Christmas. But life has given me a different hand, one that I didn't expect. And, this weekend has given me a chance to realize that my life WILL go on. And that it has.

My life will go on! My kids will be okay! Life isn't what I thought, isn't what I planned, but IT is what it needs to be.
My life IS living in my parents house, with my three kids, and going to school to finish my degree. My parents have given me something my ex never did, a chance.
My kids love me for me, and one day I WILL make them proud.
My ex is just starting to see what he walked away from.
BUT as the saying goes: If he is dumb enough to walk away, be SMART enough to let him go. And THIS is what I am working on, my next chapter!!!!!
And this chapter is going to be MORE than I could ever wish for!! GIVE me what I never expected!!!

Stupid Boy

I just wanted to make known something that you may not have known. I call him stupid boy, not because a real man wouldn't have done what he has done. But because of this song by Keith Urban:


Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holdin' back the wind

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it, push it around?
I guess to build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down

Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't

You stupid boy, oh, you always had to be right
But now you lost the only thing
That ever made you feel alive
Yeah, yeah

Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your hands, yeah
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans, yes, you did
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't

You stupid boy
Oh, I'm the same old, same old stupid boy

It took a while for her to figure out
She could run but when she did
She was long gone, long gone

This very song says everything that our relationship was. And when I say stupid boy, this very song says everything I never could.

It's taking me a while to figure out I can run, but I will get there. Cause he's nothing more than a stupid boy.

Slow and Steady

The river cuts through the rock, not because of its power, but because of it's persistence.  I know I don't hold the power to make everything right again. But I do hold the persistence to make things right for me and my babies. We will survive this, we will be better for it, and we will come out the other side stronger than ever before.

I just have to believe!!!

OR so I thought....

JUST when I thought I was making progress!!!... along comes Christmas. EVERY single thing reminds me of how I have failed. How MY marriage didn't work, because I couldn't make it work! EVERY ornament, every decoration. EVERYTHING. This is my favorite time of the year. It makes me smile, makes me feel good and all around makes life worth-while. BUT knowing I failed at my marriage. That sucks. I know it wasn't my fault. I didn't walk away, he did. BUT this is my first Christmas in nine years not being a family. I have a new family, an even BETTER family, I know. But, it's not the family I had in my forever plan. This boy, has such a hold on me! Just let me go! Let me be. Let me discover my own, and better life without you!

Why does this have to be so freaking hard?! Why can't I just turn my back like him and walk away?