Unexpected source of strength

This was my first week of college. I had so many anxieties about this week. I'm 30, and thought I would be the oldest person in my classes (I am, but noone has said anything). I didn't know if I would get lost or even if I could do it. But I did. And in the middle of the week, when I was down and having a just plain horrible day, I received a card in the mail. And unexpected source of strength.

Life is hard

sometimes -

crazy, mixed-up,

messed up.

And there you are,

in the middle of it all,

just doing your thing...

being strong and brave and 

beautiful

like it's 

no big deal.

But let me tell you girl,

it is!

Not everyone can do

what you can do.

Not everyone can handle

things the way you can.

While you wonder sometimes

if you are doing ok...

the rest of us are just 

watching in 

Wonder.

This card spoke straight to my heart. Made me cry and realize I can carry on.I keep it in my student planner, so that I see it everyday. Having people believe in me, and support me is an amazing feeling. And I am one lucky girl to be so loved!

Like it's an option

Sadly, I am not the only woman going through this shithole. So, apparently there is a clause in a marriage vow that lets the man do what he wants when he wants, because it's an option. I have friends, and friends of friends going through this, because apparently it's an option. I am lucky I have parents that let me move in, but some of these ladies and their children are not. And, so now we as wives, who gave these men everything, are now struggling, because apparently, it's an option. Walking away from a family, you made a commitment to, IS NOT AN OPTION. You make vows, before God, and it's NOT AN OPTION. Leaving for some younger, uglier piece of tail, NOT AN OPTION. Get over yourselves and get back to loving the life you have chosen, asshole!

AH HA!

So, today was my first day volunteering with the deployed airmen and families. *BIG SIGH* It felt like home. That is exactly where I belong. I can't even explain how good I feel about myself right now. In a week I start school, I am volunteering doing something I have a passion for and I'm finally taking care of myself physically. Who knew life could actually be this good, and not suck.
My kids have been in school for two weeks now and being on a schedule has helped a lot with getting settled. Putting them on the bus every morning is hard though. When did they become so independent, and not need mommy anymore? This week I have been taking Tavin to daycare and seeing him run in his room and say "Hi Friends!" melts me. There are two little girls that hug him every morning. I love the innocence and pureness of toddlers.
Needless to say, Kimmie is finding her nitch in life. And a little of my self worth. That is something I struggle with on a daily basis. But I'll get there soon enough.

Life Lessons

So, I've been dealt this hand of life. And from an outside view it sucks, big time. I have had A LOT of trials in my life. A LOT, some that have near broken me. But here I stand, strong and resilient! I have life experience, and because of this I can and will do great things. So, stop putting me down, stop treating me like I'm not worthy of anything. I am worth it all. The love of my children, the love and support of my parents. An education and a purpose in life. Drive, instead of adversity, I call it Drive.

Purpose!

Why is heart break the hardest thing in life? Even harder then child birth. At least in child birth there is something to look forward to at the end of it all. I'm in this tunnel of loneliness and I haven't a clue how to get out. The strangest thing happened though. Laying here, in my tears and sorrow, I realized what I am here for. What my passion in life is. How odd is that?! One negative thing can make me realize a whole life worth of reason! I now know, and have purpose. So here I go! Tomorrow is a whole new adventure for me. If I can survive my life being flipped upside down, I can conquer my life's ambition! Look out, here comes Kimmie!!

tears

I wish there was someone here to wipe my tears. Why does everything I do have to be so hard. Why is it so hard to be alone. Why is it so hard to have a man love me, for me. I keep blaming myself. Am I really that unlovable? Am I that undesirable? I get so down on myself so fast. I know it's not my fault, but it sure is easy to blame myself for this. It's easy to think that I am damaged goods and that no one in their right mind is going to want me. I mean, really, who would??? All I can do is cling to the words of friends and family. That I will find someone worth loving, and someone who loves me for me and loves my kids. period.

So, I've been doing a whole lot better these last few weeks. I've made a decision to move on and I have. Leaps and bounds. But last night it hit me hard, I'm lonely. Not I need a man, but I just don't have anyone here. I mean I moved back to my hometown where everyone has their lives already. I'm trying to rebuild mine, and I don't know where I belong. Hanging out with my married friends, I don't know if that would be awkward or not, but we are in different places in our lives. And I'm not 22, so I can't go to the club and party all night long. So, I am now looking for my place in this world. Where do I fit? Not even fit, where do I belong? The thought of going to a 'single parents' group is downright depressing.
Just feeling blah today.