Companionship

So, today I got GREAT news. I was accepted at Mercer University. I am going back to college!! I was so happy, I did a little dance and squealed like a teenager! Then I grabbed my phone. But to call who? The one person in the whole world I told everything first, is gone. The connection. The companionship. That's what I miss. I know, I know. I am my own woman, and I am strong and I can do anything I want and do it all by myself! But, I loved being married. I loved having someone by my side. Someone who knows everything about me. These small moments are the hardest for me. Yesterday, when Tavin went poop in the potty for the first time, I was so confused. Who do I tell? My best friend, my forever is gone. What is in my new forever? Will there be someone to share things like this with? Someone to wake up to in the morning? Someone to tell stupid secrets too and laugh about them with me? I'm very lonely right now, I need a hug...

I Feel Like a Woman...

*sigh* sometimes being a woman is a day to day challenge. Emotions are no joke. Especially when you through PMS on top of things. *sigh* I'm happy, I'm sad, and then BAM I feel like dancin'! But, on the flip side. I get to wear make-up and high heels. And even twirly dresses!! I may be selfish, and crazy and even a little moody at times. But if you can't handle me at my worst. You sure don't deserve me at my best!

Love being a woman!!!

How can I be healing when I'm soooooooooooo mad. So mad! I want to scream and yell and tell him exactly where to shove it!! He hurt me in more ways than I knew a person could be hurt. So all that healing crap. I take it back. I'm not healing, I'm angry. very, very angry. Angry that he could do this to me and the kids, and not give it a second thought. Angry that he never calls the kids to see how they are doing. Angry because I started censoring myself because he told me my blog hurt him. Yeah, he told ME that I hurt HIM. And I let if affect me! Well tough shit cookie. I'm pissed off. And the whole worlds about to hear about it. For nine years I let you put me down and tell me I wasn't good enough at anything that I did. And for nine years, I believed you. Enough is enough! I able capable and smart and strong and can do what I want. And, no I don't need you for anything. I'm sorry I let myself get so wrapped up in who you made me think I was. I'm not that person, and now I'm out to prove it. Nothing I ever did for nine years was good enough, nothing. And now I have the rest of MY life to live up to my standards!! He makes me so mad, he;s just sitting up there in NC doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants. And I am struggling to make it through my day!! I'm drowning in the kids, and nothing here is mine. I feel misplaced and unwanted. But how do I change my mindset? For so long he made me believe that it didn't matter what I did, it just wasn't enough. How do I let myself let my family in? My parents, who unselfishly, let me move in here to get back on my feet. how do I let them in? How do I undo the damage that was done to my heart? Love, it's all I ever needed. Until it was ripped away from me, and now I'm lost. I think I'm doing fine, and BAM, it all rushes back to me, and I feel like I was hit with a truck. I'm shaken and bruised and wobbly. Will I ever be normal again? I feel so up and down. This roller coaster of emotions is almost to much to handle. I need stable steady ground.

My heart

There is this hole. Where my heart once was. My heart that would beat for him. And modern medicine has no type of stitches to close up a broke heart. So, open it sits, vulnerable to all the world around it. But, the amazing things about wounds. They heal. Even the deepest ones. My heart used to be his. But, I have it back now. I'm still protecting it like the precious property that it is. It still beats, but not for him. It beats for me and my babies. And everyday it beats stronger and I can feel my wounded soul beginning to heal.

The tunnel

Today was a good day. Not a great day, but good. I didn't feel like crying, I didn't mope around. I got up and was functional. I had a child pee the bed, so I had to do laundry. I had to make breakfast and lunch. Then clean up those messes. I cleaned my room and the bathroom. I stopped fights and fixed boredom. These small steps are huge strides for me. Just last week it was that I didn't want to do any of this. Now I can, I am feeling more like myself.  This horrible dark tunnel that I'm in right now, there may actually be a light at the end of it. I'm not there. Not even close. But I am moving forward and right now, that's all I can do.

Reply

"only you allow yourself to fall backwards" Wow. True, so true. I was too busy having a pity party for myself to realize that I am the reason I am feeling this way. He's done, he's gone. I can't change that. But I can NOT let him have control of me anymore. I can take my heart back. I can move on and live my best life. (Thanks Oprah!) It's so easy to play the victim. Very easy. Standing up and fighting. That's the hard stuff. But after nine years of being put down, being told that no matter what I do isn't going to be good enough. I need to prove to Kimmie, that I am enough. Me. Being me is enough. Loving me is enough. Just because he never saw my potential, doesn't mean it isn't there. Doesn't mean that I can still live out my dreams and plans I had before he came along. Why do we give so much control to a person? How did I loose so much of myself in him? Where did I go? I know I'm awesome. I know I'm nice. I know I'm pretty. But I just don't know my worth.

Stupid Boy

Ignorance is bliss.

That moment when you are fine with the way things are, and you suddenly realize the way things REALLY are. Yeah, that moment sucks. I was blissfully ignorant to the fact of what I was left for. Oh yes, he says he wasn't happy, he says he needs some time for him. Bullshit. I'm calling his bluff.
This past weekend Rachel and I had a girls night out. We went to a club, had some drinks and danced the night away. But, then it hits me. As I'm standing at some stupid table with people all around me. Most too drunk to know their own name. THIS, this is what I was left for. Yeah, talk about a buzz kill. You know that one thing that 16 year old boys want? Yeah, they still want it at 28. I am worth so much more than standing in a crowded room with random people hitting on me. Give me some substance please. I had fun with my besty, but that night broke my heart all over again. I was taking steps forward to healing, and this feels like a huge push backwards.
Once again, I am trying to collect the pieces of my heart and become a functioning human being. But, I just want to know, how many more times is this going to happen? Because my poor shattered heart, I don't know how much more it can take. I want to feel whole again. To feel love again.

Life is good at the beach

I'm in Florida visiting my best friend this week.

I brought Kailey with me, for a girls week!!

Kailey said the beach was sooooooo much fun! It was so good to see her having fun, all her worries washed away, being a kid!

 Yeah, so I'm starting a journey to find me, so why not try new things?! That's me in the ocean. Yup, Ive always been scared to walk into the water. But today, I did it, and I even boogie boarded (is that a word) once too. It may not seem like much, but for me it was a big deal to try something new, and overcome a fear.

If the sand wasn't so messy, I could definitely live at the beach.

And with a view like this, I, for once, didn't have a care in the world. I needed this vacation more than I knew. A best friend is a best friend for a reason. The one person I can talk to and cry and be crazy with. And she understands. And still loves me. Let the healing begin!

   

P.S. Rachel is Awesome!

Who said?

Whoever said that everything happens for a reason needs to be punched in the face. Poop on you, cause that's crap.  My life is hard. My life is nothing I want it to be. Whoever said nothing good in life comes easy, I'd like to punch them in the balls. And don't get me started on good things come to those who wait! I'm almost 30 years old! I've done the single thing, I lived at my parents while going to school and working a part time job. Why am I going backwards?! Don't tell me, there's an annoying little saying for that?? One day at a time, I hear this one a lot. I'm struggling to make it an hour at a time, let alone 24 of them!! Oh, and God won't give you anything you can't handle. UMMMMM..... I'm not handling this very well, so how's that one gonna work out for me? I'm a mess, a hot southern mess. I cry. I eat too much. I mope. I have anxiety, lots of it. I just wanna yell at someone. Tell them exactly where they can shove it. Get all this crap outta me! I am just lost. And I know there's a whole bunch of sayings for that one. But truthfully, how the hell am I going to get through this?

Patients

I push. I push and I push and then I push some more. Patients. I need some, actually any. Sometimes, when I'm pushing so hard I forget why I started the push in the first place. I need to step back and see what I'm pushing for. Last night I went out with a good friend and it was sitting there laughing and trying wine I realized, just because I don't have a husband, doesn't mean I'm incomplete. Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to be a wife and mother. Check! But now that my husband isn't here doesn't mean that I still can't be a whole person, right? I have this HUGE gaping hole in me. And I've been searching for something, anything to shove into it. I supposed it's normal, but it just makes me feel even worse.
Because I want what I want when I want it and I want it now. Patients. A friend of mine told me this, " He's not only going to grant you patients, He's going to give you something to be patient for." I'm holding onto that with all I have. So I need to stop trying to fill this void in me with something that just isn't going to last and wait for the thing that will. But that means I have to wait, and I don't want to.

I was sitting in the doctor's office the other day, I looked up from playing on my phone. And there it was. Yup, hanging on the wall at a doctor's office, was my answer! It was a painting, it looked like one of those 1980's water colors, bleck. But the words spoke so true, the words filled my heart (that sounds like the Grinch's heart growing three sizes, doesn't it?) and I smiled, for once, I actually KNEW I was going to be okay.
'For I know the plans I have for you Declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.' Jeremiah 29:11-13
I sat in the chair just starring at it. WOW. How many times have I read this passage before and never hit me like it has now. The part that brought tears to my eyes, 'Plans to give you hope and a future' both things that I can't see right now. Both things that I thought were gone forever. I'm devastated, humiliated, and overwhelmed. But it's right there in black and white, God has hope for me and a FUTURE! What more could a girl ask for?

Just to see them smile.

Michael came down for Father's Day weekend. The kids are staying with him at his parents house. They are so excited. They adore their father. And I'm having major anxiety issues. We took the kids to Toys R Us, in our van, like a family. It was the most awkward, uncomfortable feeling I have ever had. I just don't see how this is actually real. Really, really happening. But to see those babies smile. It's worth it. To know their hearts are full because daddy is home. I can suck it up. For them to feel whole again, I would do it over and over. I love them more than myself, and their happiness is my first priority.

Today

Today. Today has been grueling. I have been down, way down. And  then I feel way up! I really hate brokenness. I want to be whole again, to move forward with my life. I don't know what direction I'm headed, but it's gotta be better than standing here watching life happen. On a normal, non-broken heart day, I LOVE life. I love to laugh and to see what adventures are out there waiting for me. But now my normal is struggling just to get through my day. BLECK. I really don't like the person I am right now. Stupid Love. Stupid Boy. Stupid everything. Someone slap me outta this! I want to feel good again, to sigh with happiness and not despair. To not look in the mirror and see a woman whose life is shattered, but to see Kimmie, that girl we all know and love! (You know you love me!) I wanna feel whole again. I want to be worthy of love, worthy enough to love myself. And that in itself is a mental stumbling block.
On a different note, I was talking to my parents today. Who I am so lucky to have! And in the process of talking things out, I realized something. I am having a tough time moving past my situation because in my poor mind, Michael is on a deployment. I am used to doing things alone. I'm used to waking up without him. This is good for the kids, because they aren't so broken. They can live their lives and play and have fun. But for me, he's not here, and he is not coming back and I haven't processed that yet. How does ones head tell ones heart that he's not here anymore? What 'thing' is going to make me realize this isn't a deployment? When am I going to have my 'ah ha' moment?

Where I belong

Lots of progress today. Lots. But there has been this one nagging thing. I haven't been able to put my finger on it. This feeling that I didn't belong. I have felt misplaced ever since I moved here. And finally I realized it. The same reason I moved back to Leavenworth after two weeks of being here. I don't belong here. Warner Robins, is not my home*. I'm lost. I always counted on calling wherever the Army sent my little family home. But now that part is gone. And I have moved back here and I feel displaced. Not like when you move to a new place weird, just displaced. Not right. So, what does one do about that? I don't know. ANOTHER question that I don't know the answer too. I have been thinking long and hard and I just am answer-less. Because, when all is said and done, and I have my degree, then what? I'm still gonna be living in Warner Robins. I know this may seem like an odd thing to whoever is reading this. But belonging is a big issue for me. I've felt lost for most of my life, and in the Army I found family and friends. And now, nothing. This is the time for Kimmie. Time for me to ask these weird questions and find some answers. And seeing as how I don't think Jake Gyllenhaal is going to knock on my door anytime soon, I don't know how to even begin answering this question. If I'm making goals, short and long term, doesn't this count as one? A big one I would think. Because this is the rest of my life. I want to feel like I belong. I want to love everything about my life.

*Disclaimer* Mom, you are a wonderful for letting me move back here. and I'm not complaining about living in your house. I just don't feel like I belong here. Call it women's intuition, or a mother's instinct. Love you!

I am the only one that can make me happy. Why is this so hard to remember? Today was a bust. I moped around the house and the only thing I did was put laundry away. My mom reminded me that Michael isn't up there in NC moping around. In fact, he's probably livin' it up. Enjoying every moment of being single. And here I am, sulking around let grief and anger consume me. So, why am I letting him do this to me? Why am I still giving him control over me? And if I am in fact the only one that can make me happy, why am I so miserable?!

This one's just for me.

Today started out okay. But I was feeling spiteful. Shame on me. So I picked a fight with Michael. Shame on me. But I got some answers, and some peace. But mainly I am angry. He's not the man I married. I have to keep telling myself that. He has changed into this person I really don't like. Really. And according to him, this is who he wants to be and that this 'New Michael' can't stand to be around me. Nice.
*SIGH*
There are these things that I keep beating myself up about. Things that I really couldn't have changed anyway. Because, this wasn't my fault. So, I need to remember that when I feel as though he has ruined my life. He hasn't, my life has just started. When I feel abandoned and alone. I'm not, God loves me, my family loves me and I have amazing friends that love me. And because God loves me, he will put a man in my life that will truly love me. When I think that I can't be a single parent, I didn't ask to be a single parent, just remember that my kids will admire me for what I'm doing, one day. When I think that I'm worthless. (I think this one quiet often.) Remember all those people who loved me up there? Yeah, they still love me and I'm not worthless. And can I really achieve my dreams at 30? UHH, YES! I'm 30, not dead!

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. 1 Peter 5:7
Thanks God, you're a pretty awesome dude, and the main reason why I know I can do this!

When I was younger, I wanted to be an actress. Really, really, bad. I also wanted to be in broadcast journalism. My first step. Achieving a dream. If they were at one point the dreams and plans I had for my life, why can't they STILL be my aspirations now? Look out world, you haven't seen the best of me yet! Step one, achieving my dreams. Okay, maybe that's like step 12. Step one really needs to be learning to stand up straight. I've been blind sided by a low blow. Picking myself up and dusting myself off is really step one. Easier said then done. There have been a few days when I've felt as though I could conquer the world. But there are others that kick my ass. Life is hard, life is super-duper hard. And I for one don't want to be the loser in this situation. Talk is easy. But actually doing all these things is going to be hard, but I'm a wildflower... no rose no daisy can touch what I got!
I went to dinner with a friend tonight, and she asked me a good question. "Have you seen anyone not make it?" No, everyone I know that has a curve ball thrown at them, has made it. Encouraging. This is not the path I had laid out for my life. But that doesn't mean it has to be bad. I can make my life even more awesome than it was before. Wanna watch me?

Here's the Deal

Okay. So, I have had several people tell me that they hope Michael and I work things out. I understand their concern, but after the three months I have just gone through and being tossed to the side like a piece of trash. It's not going to happen. If a man that loved me for nine years can just turn around and walk away from me, WHY, WHY in the world would I, as a self respecting woman, just take him back because he changed his mind back?! I gave him my all, and this is what I got. I am mad, I am ssoooooo mad right now. Mostly at myself. I was so wrapped up in living his life, being his wife, I lost me. And now I am almost 30, have three kids and live in my parents house. Now that's a dating profile that's gonna get a bunch of interest. So, being lost  in his life, I stopped living mine and now I'm at the lowest point in my life, and there is nowhere to go but up from here. Question is(You knew I was gonna ask a question!) What's my first step?

Change

I know I ask a lot of questions, but I have so many things going on in my brain. How does someone quit their lives? If the roles were reversed and I left. I don't think I could go but a few hours without know what my kids were doing. In fact I know that if I were gone, all I would think about is them. I don't understand men. I don't think I ever will.
I was reading one of my favorite books today, Captivating, by John and Stacey Elredge. I just don't know how he thinks his life is complete without me. Woman was the last thing God created. It wasn't until he made us that he was satisfied with his creation. Enough said.
As much as I want to be loved again, I need to know that I am worthy of love. I need to love Kimmie before someone can love me. My trouble is, where do I find that love for myself? Where does that come from? I know I'm awesome (you know you smiled at that), but where does self-worth come from? I pray everyday that I find it. If this is a lesson in patients, God you win! Tell me where my worth lies.

He's taken away my whole life. My whole life. Everything I know and love. It know that sounds cliche, but it's the truth. I am standing here wondering where my life went, trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong. And he's running around at bars and fast food joints, just living his life. HELLO! When do I get a say-so in this situation? Why is it that he gets to say he's done, and turn around and walk away. I'm standing here picking up what is left of me. And there isn't much left at all. He's being unbelievably selfish. Not just to me. But to our kids. You know, when he got me pregnant, four times, he made a comment to those children to be their father! How can he just turn around and walk away? How can he not call everyday asking how they are? How can he just forget everything our family was? Why is this happening!!!!!!!!!!!! Make it stop, someone make it stop! I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare and realize my family is still intact. I keep reliving the night I found everything out, over and over. Make it stop. I need peace. Everyone keeps telling me I will be alright. How do they know? How do they know that I'm not gonna be alone forever? How do they know what I am feeling? How do they know how to function everyday with three children depending on me? How does anyone know?! Sometimes I want to punch her in the face. Well, most of the time I want to punch her in the face. But she's not the one that tore my family apart. It was him, he made the choice. Damn him! This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, including labor. Atleast with labor there is a beautiful reward at the end. Now, I see nothingness. I'm numb to the world around me. He just keeps living his life and i am scrambling to piece my back together. Someone please tell me how you know that I am going to be okay.

Rascal Flatts - Stand

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright
You'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand
Then you stand

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand (then you stand)
Yea, then you stand (then you stand)

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place, yea
Ooohhh

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand (then you stand)
Then you stand (then you stand)
Yea, then you stand (then you stand)
Yea (then you stand)
Ohhh (then you stand)
Ohhh (then you stand)
Ohhh (then you stand)
Ohhh (then you stand)
Then you stand

Here I am, bent until I'm broken,  helpless, because I have lost my fight. But, I've spent enough being beaten down, in this loosing battle. Now it's time to taste what I'm made of, It's my turn to stand on my own two feet and find the strength I've always had in me. And to stand.

Tears

Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Last night was rough. I was up with the kids until 1:30 am because they missed daddy. They were crying, big boo-hoo tears. Heart breaking sobs that brought this mommy to her knees. They don't deserve this!! They adore their daddy!! I am a big girl, I can mend my broken heart and find someone who will love me. But they are babies and he is their DADDY! He will always be their DADDY! How do I fix this for them? How do I tell my big girl that daddy chose to leave and not live with us? This isn't a conversation I ever dreamed of having with my babies!
Is there a cure to mend a broken heart caused by daddy?

Who I Am is now Who I Was

I've been having trouble distancing myself from who I was. It feels as though Michael is on a deployment and not that he left. I still think in Army terms, and the military way of life. I went to see JAG today, and while talking to the Lieutenant I came to the realization that Michael and the Army are my WHOLE life. The Lieutenant suggested that before anything is put on paper I should separate the things that are mine from the things that are his. Well, hmmmm... everything thing I have IS HIS. Yeah, I was that wife. That Army wife. I was active in his units activities, I knew most people that he worked with, I participated in the FRG, attended AFTB classes, and worked at the AFAP. Heck, I even helped reveal the Spouse Appreciation Pin ( here ) Yeah, that's me! I was even going to school to work in Public Relations in the Army. Even my favorite t-shirt says My Solider My Hero. It was my WHOLE life, and I loved every second of it. And now I don't know what to do!  What do I do with my Army stuff? Do I keep the awards, can I still wear the shirts?? WHY IS THIS SO CONFUSING!!!!! IS there a right and wrong to this? If so, what are they? I'm lost and I don't know where to even begin to find a new direction in my life.

You lie like a priceless Persian rug on a rich man's floor...

'You lie like a coon dog basking in the sun on my porch...'
You lie!

You said you'd love me forever - You lie
You said I was all you ever needed - You lie
You said we would grow old together - You lie

'It just comes way to natural to you
The way you lie'

You know what hurts the most? Is he said the last nine years have been a lie. A LIE?! Was I imagining things? Was I in the same relationship as him? Why did it feel so real to me, but now to him it was all a lie? Everything we made together, everything we experienced together, they were all lies?

I'm so mad right now. Mad that he has the balls to take everything that we had together and belittle it by calling it a lie! How dare he rip my world apart by leaving, break my heart into a thousand tiny pieces by cheating and then turn around and spit on it by calling our lives a lie!

'Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna drive into the big ol' muddy river
I'm gonna park my car in the middle of the mile-long bridge
And then I'm gonna cry well maybe just a little
Then I'm gonna slip off the ring that you put on my finger
Give it a big ol' fling and watch it sink
Down, down, down
There it's gonna lie
Until the Lord comes back around'
-The Band Perry

If you can't keep a promise to me, then don't promise it. I'm worth more than that.

Day Two

Three things that will last forever- faith, hope, and love- and the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13.

My favorite verse. So hard to believe right now, because I just took my wedding rings off, the symbol of our love. But I know it speaks truth. And when Love does find me, it will be the greatest of these.

Day one...

I'm scared to start writing. I have a lot of things going on in my head. A lot to write about, but once I start it means that this is really happening. Really, Really. It means, my husband really left. It means, I'm living in my parents house with my three kids. It means that I went from living the life I always dreamed of, the life I love, to a life I don't recognize. One that I never asked for or wanted. Why is it that he gets to walk away and he instantly get 'bachelor' status. And I become a single mom of three? I gave this person my everything. My whole life. I waited for him, through two deployments, numerous school and trainings. Through late nights at work, and staff duty. So why does he get to up and leave? Why? Why does he get to shatter my world and rip me and the kids lives apart? Why?  What happened to my happily ever after? My white knight rode off, leaving me and our three kids. This man promised me forever! Forever means forever, not until you decide you want something else! We made vows. How are they so easily tossed to the side?

I've had people tell me that everything happens for a reason. But what reason could this possibly have happened for? Does that makes sense? That there is a reason that my husband cheated and left and now I'm left picking up the pieces trying to put things back together? It doesn't make sense to me.

I chose the name American Honey based on the song by Lady Antebellum. I want to get back to my roots. They way I was raised, the things that made me who I am. So join me on my journey. The journey to find me again, through the up and downs. The laughter and the tears. And hopefully on the other side of this, I will find my worth.