I push. I push and I push and then I push some more. Patients. I need some, actually any. Sometimes, when I'm pushing so hard I forget why I started the push in the first place. I need to step back and see what I'm pushing for. Last night I went out with a good friend and it was sitting there laughing and trying wine I realized, just because I don't have a husband, doesn't mean I'm incomplete. Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to be a wife and mother. Check! But now that my husband isn't here doesn't mean that I still can't be a whole person, right? I have this HUGE gaping hole in me. And I've been searching for something, anything to shove into it. I supposed it's normal, but it just makes me feel even worse.
Because I want what I want when I want it and I want it now. Patients. A friend of mine told me this, " He's not only going to grant you patients, He's going to give you something to be patient for." I'm holding onto that with all I have. So I need to stop trying to fill this void in me with something that just isn't going to last and wait for the thing that will. But that means I have to wait, and I don't want to.
I was sitting in the doctor's office the other day, I looked up from playing on my phone. And there it was. Yup, hanging on the wall at a doctor's office, was my answer! It was a painting, it looked like one of those 1980's water colors, bleck. But the words spoke so true, the words filled my heart (that sounds like the Grinch's heart growing three sizes, doesn't it?) and I smiled, for once, I actually KNEW I was going to be okay.
'For I know the plans I have for you Declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.' Jeremiah 29:11-13
I sat in the chair just starring at it. WOW. How many times have I read this passage before and never hit me like it has now. The part that brought tears to my eyes, 'Plans to give you hope and a future' both things that I can't see right now. Both things that I thought were gone forever. I'm devastated, humiliated, and overwhelmed. But it's right there in black and white, God has hope for me and a FUTURE! What more could a girl ask for?
patience
ReplyDeleteRemember Bruce Almighty? In the movie, he kept asking God for a sign, and a truck full of stop signs were right in front of him. (This was right before an accident.) My point being...that there are signs all over, you just need to open yourself to them. When you weren't expecting it, wouldn't you know that you see something that truly speaks to you. I don't think it was an accident that you noticed it.
ReplyDeleteAs for the void that you are feeling, your heart is severely wounded. After a while, it will slowly heal, even though there may be scar tissue. I know you are in a great deal of pain, because I'm in pain for you. (All the way in Arizona!) All I can do is pray that you find comfort and strength, and be here when you need me. (Jenny Thompson)
Remember it isn;t something that you can pray for. You are a wonderful person and an incredibly strong woman. Hang in there girly.
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