How can I be healing when I'm soooooooooooo mad. So mad! I want to scream and yell and tell him exactly where to shove it!! He hurt me in more ways than I knew a person could be hurt. So all that healing crap. I take it back. I'm not healing, I'm angry. very, very angry. Angry that he could do this to me and the kids, and not give it a second thought. Angry that he never calls the kids to see how they are doing. Angry because I started censoring myself because he told me my blog hurt him. Yeah, he told ME that I hurt HIM. And I let if affect me! Well tough shit cookie. I'm pissed off. And the whole worlds about to hear about it. For nine years I let you put me down and tell me I wasn't good enough at anything that I did. And for nine years, I believed you. Enough is enough! I able capable and smart and strong and can do what I want. And, no I don't need you for anything. I'm sorry I let myself get so wrapped up in who you made me think I was. I'm not that person, and now I'm out to prove it. Nothing I ever did for nine years was good enough, nothing. And now I have the rest of MY life to live up to my standards!! He makes me so mad, he;s just sitting up there in NC doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants. And I am struggling to make it through my day!! I'm drowning in the kids, and nothing here is mine. I feel misplaced and unwanted. But how do I change my mindset? For so long he made me believe that it didn't matter what I did, it just wasn't enough. How do I let myself let my family in? My parents, who unselfishly, let me move in here to get back on my feet. how do I let them in? How do I undo the damage that was done to my heart? Love, it's all I ever needed. Until it was ripped away from me, and now I'm lost. I think I'm doing fine, and BAM, it all rushes back to me, and I feel like I was hit with a truck. I'm shaken and bruised and wobbly. Will I ever be normal again? I feel so up and down. This roller coaster of emotions is almost to much to handle. I need stable steady ground.