Today. Today has been grueling. I have been down, way down. And then I feel way up! I really hate brokenness. I want to be whole again, to move forward with my life. I don't know what direction I'm headed, but it's gotta be better than standing here watching life happen. On a normal, non-broken heart day, I LOVE life. I love to laugh and to see what adventures are out there waiting for me. But now my normal is struggling just to get through my day. BLECK. I really don't like the person I am right now. Stupid Love. Stupid Boy. Stupid everything. Someone slap me outta this! I want to feel good again, to sigh with happiness and not despair. To not look in the mirror and see a woman whose life is shattered, but to see Kimmie, that girl we all know and love! (You know you love me!) I wanna feel whole again. I want to be worthy of love, worthy enough to love myself. And that in itself is a mental stumbling block.
On a different note, I was talking to my parents today. Who I am so lucky to have! And in the process of talking things out, I realized something. I am having a tough time moving past my situation because in my poor mind, Michael is on a deployment. I am used to doing things alone. I'm used to waking up without him. This is good for the kids, because they aren't so broken. They can live their lives and play and have fun. But for me, he's not here, and he is not coming back and I haven't processed that yet. How does ones head tell ones heart that he's not here anymore? What 'thing' is going to make me realize this isn't a deployment? When am I going to have my 'ah ha' moment?
Maybe Michael should be taking his turn and caring for HIS responsibilty for a month or so to give you a break and to see what reality is like for you. This is now what is gonna happen, he sees his kids in the summer, and maybe he needs a dose of that reality and you need a break and some therapy to heal. Just a thought, i know you dont wanna let the kids go but this is something that will have to happen, otherwise, the children lose that connection. Its a crappy situation but this was his choice and sooner or later this is what happens. Seperation in the military sucks for everyone, plane tix or one kid are a nightmare, unaccompanied minor fees...ugh...care plans...grrr...if u guys are close enough now do some visitation before it costs u thousands. Im such a ray of sunshine but been doing this for awhile...pretty bad when you do a dance because your kid can fly by themselves :(
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