The Final Chapter

I have given way too much of myself to this separation from Michael. I am starting anew. A new year, and new start and all that jazz.
I have suffered and meddled and simmered and fumed enough for a lifetime. I am now telling you, my friends, that I am leaving that in my past. Because that is where it is and where it belongs. Unlucky 2013 is going to be my best year of my life, I am claiming it for myself and I know that God will deliver.
I know drama is much more fun to read about, but I am sorry. My misery is no longer enjoyment for others to read about. I finally found my happy and I plan to dwell there forever. No single person can complete me, I alone complete myself. It has taken a year and 8 months to figure this out. A year and 8 months that I will never get back. A year and 8 months of my kids lives that I missed out on because I was distracted. A year and 8 months that I was miserable and saw the good in nothing. This time next year, you as my witness, I will be happier in my life than I have ever been. Not because I will have found someone to love, but because I will have spent a year finally loving myself. Kimmie is a pretty awesome person, and I am glad to call you my friend. I am glad that you have traveled thought this journey with me, and see me on the other side stronger, happier and Kimmier!
For those of you who are wondering, I am not getting rid of my blog. I plan to continue being sweet American Honey. I just have a new battle, the battle of my weight. Not to mention the day to days of being a single mom. Follow me and listen to my ups and downs, and the funny things my kids say. But mostly, support me in my weight loss goals. I know I am going to need encouragement, accountability and support. Will you be that for me?

Could only happen to me

So, this kind of thing can only happen to me. I broke my other foot.
You read that right.
Broke my OTHER foot.
Two feet in one summer, beat that!!
It's just a fracture on the top of my foot, but still hurts.
Sometimes I wonder how I get through a day alive. I'm such a klutz. 

So, what have you done this summer that will make me laugh??

Thankful

Today I am thankful for my parents. Two people who have given me everything and never asked for anything in return. They have shown me what true unconditional love is, and I can never repay them, or thank them enought for what they have done for me.

At Last

At last, I finally feel like I have my stuff together!!
I am moving forward!!
I cannot express how good it feels to be finally able to be happy and to smile.

I know I have made some mistakes this past year. Some pretty bad ones.
But I am finally clear headed and full spirited. I am reaching the happy place that I have been struggling so hard to find.

I feel like the Kool-Aide man busting through the brick wall, heck yea I can do this, and I will!!!

American Honey. I am struggling reaching her. My American Honey. I have been fighting a battle for the last year and a half that has now come to an end. And now I can finally move forward, but where do I go from here?
I am struggling so much with my weight and trying to get it under control, but I am lacking. Motivation is low and I need a swift kick in the ass. I have decided to try a clean lifestyle, but as I am learning more, the harder and more discouraged I get.

 Am I set for a life of dissapointment in myself?

173 pounds, 32% body fat. Enough is Enough.

Lifestyle Change

I am starting anew. Enough whining and lets move on already. I have recently discovered that I have become a fat girl. For shame. So, I have done a lot of research on fitness and eating healthy and I am making a lifestyle change. I love fast food, LOVE IT. But my body does not. I have been having major blood sugar dips and I am just loosing control all together. Something's gotta change and now. So, I am trying to 'eat clean' and just plain take care of myself. Any and all suggestions are welcome because I am on a mission to be able to rock anything that I put on my body! I'll take a 'before' picture and post it. I am being honest now, I am 173 pounds, at 5' 1'', that's not good at all.

So here I go!!

Second Thoughts

There is this man who stand before me. A man who ripped my heart out, a man who turned around and walked away. And now he wants me back. He wants what we once had. My heart and my head both say HELL NO, but something in me is torn. He is my babies daddy, ten years he was my huband. I want to run and tell him better luck with the next girl, but there is something in me that is clining to him. What is it, and why is it?
What am I to do. Everything wants to run. I want to be my own person, want to be Kimmie, and that is it. I don't want to be owned by a man. I love being the kids mom, but I have no desire to be his wife again. So, what is it that gives me second thoughts?
What is it!?

at the crossroads

So, here I stand at a crossroad in my life. This time, I am the one who has to make the decision. I'm no longer the victim, I hold it all in my hands, Do I reunite my family, put smiles on my childrens faces, and Michaels for that matter. Or do I follow my heart and find my own way?

So, I have been thinking a lot about my future. Maybe too much. But, it has to be done. And if you are a first born, you understand then need to KNOW what is going to happen. But I digress.
I have been thinking about what my future holds. Do I really hold everything in my own to hands, or is all of this predetermined by God? I mean, if I decide to do one thing, is it MY choice, or is it the choice that has already been made for me?
ALL that I know, is that I have a man begging me to take him back, three kids who adore the man, and the knowledge that he is the man of my of my dreams. What is it that I am to do with all this information. How am I supposed to respond. What do I do?
Do I even worry about it, or is everything preplanned for my life and I should just, FLOW. As one of the wise-est men I ever knew would say. just FLOW.
Because flowing right now is leading me back into this mans arms.
I'm lost and haven't a clue. I know I love him, but is the hurt worth putting behind me for a lifetime with someone I will love for a lifetime?

A year

It's been a little over a year since my life was flipped upside down. And if you had told me this time last year that I would be here, in this fabulous room with three amazing kids, finishing my first year of Mercer, with parents who support me with no questions asked. I would have cried, taken a shot of tequila and told you that you were crazy!!
But, here I am. Crazier, stronger, wiser and grayer than I was a year ago. This year has been toooouuuuugh! I can't even begin to describe how hard it has been on me. BUT, that was then. And with a new year I want to start anew with my blog. No longer will it be about how hurt I am. But how strong I have become. I will record what my babies are doing, because that is what matters the most in life. I will let everyone know when I begin to let someone close to me again.
I want to share the good parts of my life with you, not just my tragedy. It happened, it hurt but now I am a stronger Kimmie and I can kick anything that comes my way in the ass. So, join me as I continue to grow and find my place in this big world.

Not Your Broken Heart

I cut my bangs with some rusty kitchen scissors
I screamed his name ‘til the neighbors called the cops
I numbed the pain at the expense of my liver
Don’t know what I did next all I know, I couldn’t stop

Word got around to the barflies and the baptists
My mama’s phone started ringin’ off the hook
I can hear her now sayin’ she ain’t gonna have it
Don’t matter how you feel, it only matters how you look

Go and fix your make up, girl it’s just a break up
Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady
'Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
But this ain’t my mama’s broken heart

I wish I could be just a little less dramatic
Like a Kennedy when Camelot went down in flames
Leave it to me to be holdin’ the matches
When the fire trucks show up and there’s nobody else to blame

Can’t get revenge and keep a spotless reputation
Sometimes revenge is a choice you gotta make
My mama came from a softer generation
Where you get a grip and bite your lip just to save a little face

Go and fix your make up, girl it’s just a break up
Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady
'Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
But this ain’t my mama’s broken heart

Powder your nose, paint your toes
Line your lips and keep 'em closed
Cross your legs, dot your I’s
And never let 'em see you cry

Go and fix your make up, well it’s just a break up
Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady
'Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
But this ain’t my mama’s broken heart 

This is a  Miranda Lambert song called Mama's Broken Heart.

I know that I have told you all everything, the moment it happens,

but when it comes down to it

this is MY broken heart

MY hurt

My crazy

MY pain. 

And this is something I have yet to deal with.

I've covered it up with anything that I could find to make me feel better.

Tried, like hell, to cover my crazy,

to make me look like a lady!

But, truth is, I'm dying inside and have no idea what my next move is,

turns out, crazy is all I am!!

All that I know, is that I'm healing, and my broken heart isn't going to get the best of me!!

I hope.

I'm on the mend, on the move,

forward. 

Kimmie style!!!!

Ugh

Why is everything so difficult and then some!!!!!!!!!

Finality

I did it. I did it. I did it. I told the man of my dreams, the love of my life, my knight in shining armor. I told him that I am moving on, WITHOUT him.


Now, to move forward.

New Beginnings

It's amazing what a good kick in the ass will do for one's spirits!! Closure is finally here. I'm a different person than I was, and I can't and won't go back. My children deserve an attentive mother. I deserve to live up to my potential and more. It has taken a looooooooong time. A very long time to come to this place of peace. Moving forward is my next step. One thing at a time. I am enjoying this peace, and the happiness when I wake up, knowing there is a reason to keep going. Now, to keep going.
I can be CHANGED by what happens to me. But I REFUSE to be reduced by it! -Maya Angelou

Months of pain and heartache. Still no closure. When exactly does that come? I am so tired of being in this place, I want to feel again. Know what happiness is, feel the love from my children. What's it going to take? Anyone have any ideas or suggestions to get me outta this valley that I'm sitting in. I am so much more than this, but I just can't seem to find my motivation or reason to keep going, it's easier to wallow in self pitty. Someone please give me a reason to get my ass outta here!!

Life's A Dance You Learn As You Go

Life's a Dance You Learn as You go, Sometimes you Lead, Sometimes You follow, Don't worry about what you don't know...

I dunno. Right now I am in the lead, going who knows where!!!! There are no dance steps to show me what my next move is. I have the sexy dancing shoes, just no direction. I just wonder when all this struggle will finally pay off.

It's been months and months of struggling. I feel as if I am no closer now than I was last June. I'm a hot southern mess and just don't know how to become all that I know I can be.

I know what I want. That's for damn sure. How to get there, I dunno!!!!!!!!!

Blah, blah, blah, blah BLAH!  I have been struuuuuggling for months now. I know, it's one step at a time. I breathe in, I breathe out, put one foot in front of the other. Take it one day at a time.
And then I fall. I have dirt in my eyes from falling on my face. I have a bruised tailbone from falling on my ass. WHY does, finding my place and what is meant for my life so flippin' hard!!!!!!!!
I didn't say it was going to be easy, I said it was going to be worth it. Well HELL, what ever I have coming is WORTH IT! Cause I have been through hell and I am on my way back.
I never wanted any of this. And never wanted to accept it. I let my 'circumstance' become who I was. And I know I am more than that. So now, once again. Because I learn the hard way. I am on the search for my place in this world, in this life.

Sheesh. I need a vacation!

The Truth

The Truth is, I haven't been doing as well as I have been presenting myself. I have covered my pain with food and alcohol. And then one day, I was a fat drunk girl. How un-Kimmie is that!! So, here is the truth. Right now at this moment I weigh the exact same as I did when I delivered Tavin. And, that my friends, has to change right now! So, I am not going on a diet, I am seeking a lifestyle change, and any suggestions are welcomed. I need recipes, exercises, and support. I need to get back to my fabulous self, and start this fabulous new life that is laying before me.

Back to School

Ahhhhh... The silence of the kids going back to school. Sleeping in is great, but having 7 hours for me is amazing! Oh how I missed putting the kids on the school bus and walking back into an empty house. But, by the time 4 o'clock rolls around I am ready to get them off the bus and spend the evenings together.

Country music, how I heart you. 

You can cure a bad day,

make cleaning so much more tolerable. 

You make me smile,

put a boot scoot in my step

thank you for making life more enjoyable!!

Project 366: Day One

Today, I start a new year with my new family. I have a lot to be thankful for, and it's time I start appreciating these things.

The two people who are making my wonderful life possible, mommy and daddy!!